Ashes of the Phoenix
by SomethingBorrowed
Summary: Sirius Black struggles to maintain hope while he remains inside the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix watching life continue outside the walls of Grimmauld Place and romance bloom within.OOTP from Sirius' perspective. Suggestions of slash.
1. The View from Inside

**Sirius Black struggles to maintain hope while he remains inside the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix watching life continue outside the walls of Grimmauld Place and romance bloom within.**

_This story is consistent with and follows my previous stories A Goblet of Blood, The Prisoner of Memory, and The Secret Keepers, although it may not appear that way at first. If you have not read the other stories, this one can be understood on it's own._

**1. The View from Inside**

In hindsight, the Firewhiskey was a bad idea. This realization pounded in Sirius' head as he tried to remember where he was without opening his eyes. Slowly he became aware that his cheek was lying against the hard kitchen table, its surface honed smooth by decades of House Elves preparing meals for generations of the Black Family. Sunlight streaming through the one small window in this low ceilinged, basement kitchen burned his eyelids, adding to the pain in his head. With great effort Sirius picked up his arm and willed it into the pocket of his robe, in search of his wand. It was not there and he wondered if he had the strength to find it, but the pain of the bright light told him to make the effort and he blindly swept his hands across the table to search. As bad luck would have it, the tip of his finger glanced against the tip of his wand and the wand rolled off the table, clattering on the stone floor. Sirius moaned and, without the presence of mind necessary for such a task, he picked his head off the table and stood in an attempt to find it. His body unsteady, his eyes still closed, he misjudged the distance between himself and the wooden bench on which he had been sitting. He tripped, sprawling onto the hard, cold floor. He opened one eye just a slit and saw his wand right outside his reach, mocking him. Beyond that, he saw the smashed remnants of the empty whiskey bottle. He closed his eyes again.

In his dream h e was lying on a familiar sofa. He and James had been out drinking again and he had brought James home. After helping James up the stairs to the bedroom where he wife was sleeping, Sirius had stopped to rest on the sitting room sofa before getting back on the motorbike and must have fallen asleep. The last thing he remembered was listening to the rhythmic sound of creaking bedsprings coming from the bedroom above his head. "I guess you weren't as pissed as I thought, eh Prongs?" Sirius thought with a smile. They were young and life was full of possibility and second chances. The sounds of love continued while Sirius drifted off to in a peaceful, alcohol induced sleep.

Now it was morning and he could hear Lily wandering about the kitchen. He heard the tinkling sound of broken glass and knew she had charmed a broom to sweep away the shards of the whiskey bottle. He hoped she would also make one of her famous hang-over relieving potions. Most of the time, Sirius was incapable of getting this drunk. He had a genetic ability to drink large quantities of alcohol without feeling the effects; however, an entire bottle of Firewhiskey was a lot - even for him. "You're lucky you didn't kill yourself," he heard her say, but it wasn't Lily's voice.

Something wasn't right, he realized. Where was he? Was he lying in the past, on the Potter's sofa? Or was that in another lifetime? The still air of the basement room was cool, damp, and musty. He tried opening his eyes again, but everything seemed too bright, blurry. Then he saw her - she was over at the sink. Her long, red hair streamed down the back of her robe. She turned toward him and he watched as the cup she held in her hand move closer to him as she carried it across the kitchen. The potion was clear and Sirius hoped it wouldn't taste too bad. "Here," she said, handing it to him. "Drink this. It should help." Her voice was familiar, but did not sound as he remembered Lily.

He touched the glass to his lips and drank as she had instructed, bracing himself for the bitter medicine, but it was only water. He finished it and handed the empty cup back to her. He looked into her face, but his vision was still unclear. Her features appeared watery as he struggled to focus. Sunlight from the one window played upon her auburn hair and it glittered like strands of gold. Had he forgotten how beautiful she was, or had he ignored it out of respect for James? Her hand was slim and graceful as she reached out towards him. Even above the stink of the Firewhiskey, he could smell her flowery aroma and it calmed him. The despair that had been wrenching his gut since he moved back into Grimmauld Place seemed to wane in her peaceful presence. She walked away from him to refill the glass. He felt strong enough to sit up, although his head still pounded when he did so. He looked across the floor and saw his wand still lying just outside his reach.

And that begged another question: how could Lily Potter be in the basement of Grimmauld Place? He wanted to ask her, but all he could do with his hangover and mental confusion was croak, "Lily?" in a low, hoarse voice.

She didn't hear him, but turned and walked back towards him. She knelt down, bringing herself to eye level with him and for the first time he was able to focus on her face. She smiled at him, "You poor, drunk bastard! Keep drinking the water - you need to hydrate and flush your system if you want to do anything of use today."

She handed him the glass and he smiled back. "Tonks," he said with grateful recognition.

"Who else?" she replied as she kissed his stubbly cheek. "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. We can keep these embarrassments _en famille_."

Although Sirius had known long ago that his cousin Andromeda had had a child, he had only met Tonks recently and it still could not get used to the idea that they were related. To him she was a stranger - a beautiful, charming stranger, but unfamiliar, none the less. Tonks, however, having heard Sirius' name growing up, took to him immediately as if her were an older brother or a cool, young uncle. She adored him and seemed to enjoy being in his presence.

Sitting together with their backs against the damp, stone wall and their legs stretched in front of them, she touched the glass every now and then with her wand to keep it full. "Did you do this by yourself, or did some git like Mundungus help you?" she asked finally.

"I was alone," he confessed.

"Sirius," she scolded. "I know you hate being here. I can only imagine the bad memories this house brings back to you. My mum can't even talk about it. But I want you to know how much everyone in the Order appreciates the ability to have a Headquarters like this. There is probably no place more secure than Grimmauld Place."

Sirius sighed. His head still throbbed. He knew it was childish to feel sorry for himself the way he did, rather than recognize the greater good he was doing, sacrificing his comfort while so many others risked their lives. He looked up along the stone wall to the one small window. Through the narrow rectangle of glass he could see the bright, blue sky of early July. He imagined the warm breeze and the sound of children playing in the nearby park. "I just wish I could get out once it a while. It's like being in Azkaban all over again."

"Well, I hope it's better than that," she laughed, playfully bumping up against him. Her soft red hair, brushed against his face and he breathed in the fresh, clean scent of her shampoo. He tried to ignore how hopeful her youth and vitality made him feel and grunted back, "Barely."

"Stop being so sullen! In just a few weeks the Weasleys will be moving in and right after that we'll go fetch Harry. You don't want him to see you this time as a drunken mess, do you?"

"Of course not!"

"Then there you go - something to live for!" She said encouragingly. "Now, I have to get to work. I promise to stop in again to check on you."

"I'm not a charity case," He responded harshly, then, seeing the disappointment in her face, he added, "but I do enjoy your visits."

"So," Tonks said standing up. Her cheeks flushed slightly and Sirius knew what was coming. "Is Remus around?"

"No," Sirius lied. It was there had just been a full moon and, although Remus was in the house, he was sleeping off the effects of the Wolfsbane potion and was not yet himself. Sirius was not sure if Remus had confided his affliction to Tonks and, therefore, he did not want to divulge it.

"Oh, okay then," Tonks struggled to sound normal, but Sirius could tell she was disappointed. "I guess I should be going then." Sirius followed her up the narrow steps from the kitchen. He placed his hands on her shoulders and guided her through the dark hallway toward the front door to ensure that she would not stumble and wake the curtained portrait of his mother. He undid the locks with his wand and opened the door a little wider than caution dictated to take in the air and sunlight from outside. Tonks turned toward him and smiled. She knew he was behaving recklessly, but she said nothing, choosing instead to be complicit in his risky game. She stepped back slightly, out of the sunshine so that for a brief moment he felt the warmth of the summer light on his pale, gaunt face. Sirius exhaled then breathed in deeply in an effort to grasp a small, precious portion of the beautiful day he could not share. A moment later, she moved into the doorway, blocking his view and shielding him from the outside, before she leaned in and innocently kissed him goodbye.

He shut the door behind her and raised his hand to his cheek. He recalled the soft, warm feel of her lips and made a mental note to shave before he saw her again. One of the things he liked about her was that she never seemed bothered by his unruly appearance. Perhaps, because she could change her own so easily, outside appearances had become meaningless to her. He imagined her now crossing the street, finding a secluded place in the garden, and disapparating. He thought of her arriving amidst the busy crowd of witches and wizards who worked at the Ministry, and he imagined her secretly smiling throughout the day at the thought him sleeping off a hangover, hidden within the walls of Grimmauld Place. He turned with a sigh and headed up the stairs to check on Remus.

Remus' eyes were open when Sirius entered the bedroom. "You're awake!" he exclaimed.

Remus nodded. "I have been for awhile. I was going to venture down the stairs, but I didn't feel strong enough." His face was ashen, sunken, and Sirius, as always, was concerned for his weakness.

"Don't bother. I can get anything you need."

Remus shook his head and looked at Sirius. "I don't need anything, just more sleep. But you look terrible! Were you up all night?"

"Something like that," Sirius responded. He didn't want to confess last night's solitary bout with the Firewhiskey. "I think I'll get some sleep, too."

"In the middle of a beautiful, summer day?" Remus questioned.

Sirius shrugged. "It's not like I can go out and enjoy it."

Remus opened his mouth as if he were about to say something hopeful and encouraging, but before he could speak, Sirius began to undress. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"I told you, I need some sleep." Sirius slid in beside Remus and gently moved him on to his side to face away.

Remus' body was warm and compliant, too weak to mount a protest. "Sirius?" he questioned, but Sirius did not answer. He wanted to block out the prison of Grimmauld Place and his childhood bedroom where Remus lay. His hands ran down Remus' body, which was hot and slick with sweat, pushing off his pajamas. He moved closer so that his face pressed into Remus' graying brown hair. Remus smelled of sleep and of the animal he had been, so different from the fresh, floral scent of Tonks, and Sirius realized that he was trying to block that out, too. "Sirius," Remus said softly, "Why..."

"Shhh," Sirius hushed, and behind his closed eyes he once again saw Tonks standing in the doorway of Grimmauld Place, her figure backlit with the summer sunlight, the red hair sparkling and framing her mischievous, smiling face as she opened the outside world to him for a brief, wonderful moment. He felt once again the warmth of the light as it hit his face and spread throughout his body.

"Don't talk," he whispered. "Just open yourself to me."

_Thanks for reading my newest story. Let me know what you think!_


	2. The Reluctant Inhabitant

_A/N: While in A Goblet of Blood Sirius was vulnerable, questioning the mistakes of his past, in this story he becomes the sullen, angrier, character that we see in OOTP, due to the strain of remaining tied down within Grimmauld Place and the knowledge that he can not afford to be the reckless hero he had been as a young man._

**2. The Reluctant Inhabitant**

"NO!" Sirius stated firmly. His voice was raised, but he didn't care. "I will not have him in my house!"

"You're house, is it?" Dumbledore shot back. "I thought you wanted nothing to do with it, beyond its use as headquarters."

"Well, you're the one making me live here, so I guess it is MY house!" As soon as the words came out, Sirius hated himself for saying them. He sounded too familiar, just like his mother had spoken, so many years ago.

"We're all doing our parts, Sirius. And yours is remaining here, keeping Kreacher in line. If you can't deal with that, then..." Dumbledore drifted off, letting Sirius draw his own conclusions as to what his fate would be.

Sirius knew he was defeated, but tried, as always, to get the last word in. "I'd be happy to play another part! Anyone's part - as long as I have the opportunity to leave this place every once in a while."

"You know that's impossible. You are a wanted criminal - a fugitive. You're face is known throughout the country. Exposing yourself is exposing the order and, ultimately, risking Harry's life. Is that what you want?"

But before Sirius could answer, the locks of the front door began to turn. The other members of the Order had arrived and he and Dumbledore abruptly ended their argument.

Remus led the others into the dark hallway. He must have informed them of the portrait, so everyone made an effort to watch their step and be quiet. Without light or voices, Sirius could not make out who they all were, except for Hagrid, due to his height, and Tonks, whose figure he sought out through the shadows.

"Where would you like us to go, Sirius?" Dumbledore asked, politely deferring to Sirius, marking him as their host.

"The kitchen," Sirius told them, keeping his voice quiet. "Follow me."

As in many old homes of wizards of a certain class, the kitchen was in the basement. Families, like the Blacks, counted on House Elves to provide their meals and do their chores out of sight. As a child, Sirius rarely ventured down into the basement, so it held no memories for him, which was why he now preferred to spend time in that room, rather than in any of the more comfortable ones. The kitchen had a low ceiling and rock walls, giving it a cold, claustrophobic appearance. There was only one small window near the ceiling of one wall and another wall was taken up by a large stone fireplace. In the center of the room was a long wooden table and Sirius motioned for everyone to take seats after they descended the narrow, stone staircase.

When they were all seated at the table, Sirius scanned the faces and felt the joy of being reunited with so many faces from his past. Dumbledore had done a great job pulling together the remaining members of the Order of the Phoenix. He did note, somewhat happily, that many of them looked warily at Snape, wondering if he was worthy of their trust. Snape in turn looked straight ahead, careful not to meet anyone's gaze.

As Dumbledore gave the opening remarks, Sirius found his eyes settling on the face of Tonks. Today she was completely bald and it surprised him how beautiful she looked, even without hair. Somehow, stripped of distraction, her features came into sharper focus, and he could see with great clarity how much she resembled her mother, her aunts, himself, and all of the Blacks from generations before her. Despite their rather warped beliefs, the Blacks were an attractive family, and in his youth he was no exception. Tonks' youthful beauty shone in the dark, cavernous kitchen the miraculous way a flower in early spring blooms on the branch of a leafless tree.

But even when looking into the face whose features were so recognizable, so very familiar, Sirius still had a hard time reconciling the fact that he and Tonks were related. For so many years he thought of himself as a black sheep, someone so rebellious and different from anyone else in his family, yet now before him was the goodness that had been lacking in his family life. The beauty, the fearlessness, and the determination that all the Blacks had been born with looked back at him in the person of Tonks and she smiled, as if reading his mind.

"Arthur and Molly Weasley will also be joining us at our next meeting, along with their son, Bill, but I see no reason why we should wait to start our mission. He has returned and he wants to complete the task he failed to accomplish nearly 14 years ago, namely, to kill Harry Potter. It has come to my attention that Harry has some kind of connection to Voldemort. Harry seems to sense him, to see through his eyes, and I believe that if Voldemort becomes aware of this connection he will attempt to see through Harry's eyes as well.

"But this is just speculation on my part. We need to be sure of what his next step will be. Severus, your role is crucial in these early stages. I need you to gain his trust and the trust of his followers then report back anything you learn."

Snape nodded, "That will not be difficult."

"I bet it won't," Sirius said under his breath, but he knew Snape could hear.

"And your role is what exactly, Black?" Snape asked with obvious sarcasm.

"Sirius is serving as our main contact person. He is to remain at headquarters and assist me with the coordination of our efforts," Dumbledore responded quickly. He then turned away from Sirius and Snape, as if they were disruptive teenagers, and continued on assigning tasks to the other members.

Although it he knew deep down that Dumbledore was only trying to make him feel involved, it pained Sirius to hear Dumbledore defend him. He felt like a toddler whose limitations were being politely explained away by a doting mother. This made Sirius feel even worse, marginalized in the eyes of those he respected and those he didn't. He glanced at Snape whose mocking smirk spoke volumes of how their positions had shifted. Back at Hogwarts, Sirius and James had been student athletes and leaders who everyone looked up to and Snape was the unpopular boy who was easily over looked by his classmates. Now Snape was the one everyone counted on and Sirius was the member of least notice. He looked around the table to the other members who sat there, their eyes fixed upon Dumbledore, and felt himself fading away.

* * *

"Why would he even come here? He hates me!" Everyone had gone and Sirius and Remus were in the library. The musty smell of decaying parchment filled Sirius' nostrils as he tried to ignore the once familiar surroundings. The four walls were lined floor to ceiling with bookcases and titles upon the spines of the old books spoke of the Dark Magic that for centuries had been practiced in this house.

The night had grown cool and Remus lit a fire in the grate of the black marble fireplace. He stoked the coals then moved to sit down in the chair across from Sirius. "Well, he has reason to hate you. You made his life a living hell when we were in school."

"Are you suggesting he didn't deserve it? He was always undermining James, spying on us and informing teachers of our misdeeds. What a prat he was!"

Remus laughed, "That's just because of Lily. The two of them had been friends before they came to Hogwarts. He saw James as a threat to that, and face it, Sirius - James WAS a threat to him. James was rich, athletic, popular and Severus was none of those things. He knew who Lily would choose, if given the chance."

Sirius waved him off. "Lily was not that shallow. She would never have dismissed anyone because of his looks and she cared nothing about James' wealth. She ended her friendship with Snape because of his involvement in the Dark Arts."

"And don't you think that began as a way to feel strong in the face of you and James? Sirius, we're talking about teenagers, the children that we were. Things are diffferent now, you know that."

"Are they different? He still works for the Dark Lord..."

"As Dumbledore's spy..."

"If he is to be believed, and I don't think he should be."

Remus sighed and shook his head. Sirius found himself growing angry at Remus defending Snape. "Why do you defend him?" he asked sharply. "Do you trust him?"

"I defend him because I understand him. I worked with him last year at Hogwarts, and I saw a kind person, a person who is so afraid to lose love that he blocks out friendship all together. He is kind to students, but the moment they see that, he turns on them with embarrassment. It's sad, really. And even sadder to think how close I was to becoming like that. For so many years I felt that no one would ever love me because of who I am."

"You're nothing like that," Sirius snorted. He could see Remus' point, but he was not willing to give in.

"Maybe not," Remus conceded, "but perhaps I was saved from his fate because you and James befriended me. Think of it this way - everyone loved James even though he went around hexing people, trampling them on the Quidditch pitch, teasing the girls, and basically doing everything to MAKE people hate him. Snape did nothing and still people disliked him. No wonder he made the mistake of becoming a Death Eater."

"He's the reason you don't have a job at Hogwarts!"

"But with the Ministry the way it is these days, I wouldn't have a job anyway."

That truth underscored the reason that Sirius was back living in Grimmauld place. The Ministry could not be trusted to promote the truth and bring justice. The Order of Phoenix had to succeed. Sirius turned away from Remus and looked around the room. "Ironic, don't you think?" he asked Remus in an effort to change the subject. "I left here to get away from my family and their beliefs, and in turn they left me all this as a legacy - this house, this room full of books. Look at them - every wall stacked floor to ceiling with instructional manuals on the Dark Arts!"

"Very ironic," Remus agreed, happy to be off the subject of Snape. He got up from his chair and went to inspect the titles. "Interesting...you should consider donating them to the next Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts, whoever he or she will be. They could use them to come up with some fascinating lectures."

Sirius stared at the walls of books surrounding him and in the flickering firelight the regularity of their spines looked like the bars of a prison, closing in on him, keeping him trapped within the place he never wanted to see again. He got up from his chair and approached Remus. "I can only think of one thing to do with them," he said and he grapped an armful of ancient tomes and heaved them into the fire. The flame hissed, then caught the parchment, crackled, and flamed brightly. The act of destruction seemed to fuel the anger within him and Sirius reached back for more books, his eyes flaring like the fire.

Remus placed his hand on Sirius' shoulder, in an attempt to pull him away. "Sirius, stop. Don't do this!" He pleaded.

Instead of reaching for more books, Sirius turned on Remus and pushed him back against the bookshelves, pinning Remus' arms above his head. He looked into Remus' eyes and, in the bright glow of the fire, he glimpsed the wolf. Trapped in Sirius' grasp the animal's eyes glowed with both fear and a readiness to strike back. Sirius knew too well that look, for he felt it within himself everyday, caged in the dark memories of Grimmauld Place. He continued to hold Remus against the bookshelf as he put his mouth to Remus' throat and kissed him with the ferocity of a cornered animal.

"Wait!" Remus growled. "Wait!"

"No," Sirius whispered, his mouth nearing Remus' ear. "I can't wait." He remembered the fear and excitement that used to build in his chest when he was a teenager watching Remus transform, waiting recklessly until the last possible moment to become the dog, knowing the danger the werewolf posed to him and facing it anyway. Playing it safe never appealed to Sirius and he longed to live once again on the edge of danger. "I won't wait," he said as he brought his lips to Remus' unyielding mouth.

But soon he felt Remus relent, his lips giving way to Sirius' demanding tongue. Sirius loosened his grip on Remus' arms and, now free, Remus placed his hands on Sirius' cheeks, pulling him in closer, his resolve crumbling the way Sirius' prison walls never did.

_To readers and reviewers: I hope you like this new fic. Thank you for the first few reviews. To answer Shiny Objects' question - Remus' confusion is because of Sirius' sorry state (hung over and exhausted) and Remus still feeling the effects of the wolfsbane. _


	3. Forsaking All Others

_A/N: While it is my intent to leave some question as to where the relationships are headed in this story, it is cannon compliant (i.e Sirius will die and Remus will eventually marry Tonks. Yes, so sad, I know)_

**3. Forsaking All Others**

His eyes fluttered open and Sirius suspected it was morning. The sky outside his dusty bedroom window was grey, threatening rain, and it was hard to tell exactly what time it was. But it didn't really matter. Life inside Grimmald Place was the same at anytime of day - dark, damp, full of bad memories that threatened to scurry past him like rats waiting ravenously in the walls. The mid-July heat was stifling, causing Sirius to feel even more claustrophobic, and the humidity caused him to struggle for every breath. He turned over and realized the bed was empty. The sheets were straightened on the other side and Sirius wondered if the passionate encounter in the library the night before had only been a dream.

Eventually Sirius roused himself from the bed and slowly dressed in the clothes that he had tossed into a pile by the bed the night before. There wasn't any meetings planned that day, so he saw no need to wash or shave or even dress in any way that would make him look less disheveled. Order members often stop in from time to time, but since Dumbledore had given everyone tasks, Sirius didn't expect to see anyone loitering around Grimmauld Place, including Remus. Sirius knew Remus was anxious to begin working on his assignments. His footsteps echoed in the stairwell and he felt, as he often did, very alone.

As he reached the first floor Sirius heard the murmuring of low voices coming from one of the rooms. He suspected it was Kreacher and, due to a lack of anyone else to talk to, he stuck his head through the open doorway to see what the old House Elf was up to. But instead of Kreacher muttering in the darkness, his eyes alighted on Remus and Tonks sitting on the sofa. Or rather, Remus was sitting normally with Tonks kneeling beside him on the sofa, her legs drawn up underneath her, as she faced him, Remus' hands held within her own. She had kicked off her shoes and her feet were bare. She wore jeans that fit snuggly around her slim hips and a white sleeveless blouse that tied at her waist, revealing a band of pale flesh along the small of her back. Her blouse was nearly transparent and Sirius could see the outline of her bright pink bra that matched exactly the color of her short, spiked hair. He didn't know where to look without feeling embarrassed. The intimate scene he had intruded upon filled him with awkward confusion. "What's going on here?" he asked in a sterner voice than he had intended.

"Oh, hello Sirius," Tonks said, dropping Remus' hands and turning to face him. "You finally decided to wake up."

"I would have come down sooner if I had known you would be here," he replied, a bit coldly.

"That's okay," Remus told him, glancing at Tonks. "I managed to keep her occupied in your absence."

Tonks turned and smiled at Remus, then looking at Sirius she said, "Sirius, Remus just told me."

The confusion that Sirius had felt began to turn to rage and he felt his face grow hot as he jumped to guess what Remus had just told her. It was wrong for him to have done that, Sirius wanted to scream. They had decided that Sirius would tell Harry first so that he wouldn't have to hear about it from anyone else. How could Remus have forgotten their agreement? He struggled to breathe normally in the humid, musty air.

He glared at Remus, who, realizing Sirius' mistake, added, "Yes, well, I can't have the Order members wondering where I go every month. Of course, most of them know already, but for those who don't, like Tonks, I thought it best to tell her about the furry little problem myself."

Relief flooded over Sirius and he felt lighter suddenly. "Yes, of course. Good idea, Moony," He smiled at them and entered the room where they proceeded to talk and laugh together as Sirius recalled how he and James had long ago discovered Remus' secret. They talked about Tonks' hair color and Sirius secretly admired her bold outfit and her youthful figure; but, deep inside him, beneath the lightheartedness of their conversation and brightness Tonks brought to his daily existence, he felt the gnawing ache of being back at Grimmauld Place. Suspicion and doubt lingered near him, torturing him with cruel thoughts like a sadist poking a caged lion with a sharp stick and Sirius wondered how long he could last as a captive to his own safety.

* * *

"So you see, Sirius," Mundungus Fletcher was saying as he followed Sirius into the music room on the second floor of Grimmauld Place, "if you loan me the money, I'm certain to pay you back very soon." It was the evening of the same day and Mundungus had stopped by unexpected.

Sirius smirked at Remus who was looking at them both disapprovingly as they entered the room. "Well, I'll think about that, Dung," he answered, more as a way of teasing Remus than as an actual consideration.

"What are you two planning?" Remus asked. He had been examining the old grand piano to determine if it were in good enough shape to play. The instrument was ornate, carved of ebony wood, and took up most of the room. Remus touched one of the middle keys and it rang through the dusty humid air like a bell.

"Oh, Dung wants to buy some illegal cauldrons and wants me to loan him the gold to do it," Sirius responded carelessly, dropping onto the sofa in the corner of the dark room. He wiped the sweat from his brow with an old hankerchief. Nightfall had, regretfully, not brought any cooling breezes to bring down the temperature within Grimmauld Place.

"It's not illegal, exactly," Mundungus began to explain, but Remus cut him off.

"Aren't you supposed to be watching Harry tonight?" He asked, wrinkling his brow. Dumbledore had assigned Mundungus the task of keeping an eye on Harry while he was staying with his aunt.

"I traded with someone. I'll be on duty tomorrow night."

"And how does Harry look?" Sirius asked, sitting up straight, anxious for news of his godchild.

"Oh fine," Mundungus replied in a manner that told them both that he would rather any other task than clandestinely watching a teenager.

Remus blew the dust of the piano and ran his fingers along the keys. It was magically still in tune and the melodious chime was a pleasing change to the echoing silence that usually permeated the house. The room was rather large and decorated with wallpaper had once been green and scrolled with images of dragons. Over time the color and pattern had faded and now it was peeling in many places. A large chandelier made of blood red crystals hung from the ceiling, sparkling eerily in the candlelight. Sirius recalled the parties his parents had often held in the room and in the notes of the piano he could almost hear the laughter of years gone by. Thankfully, Mundungus cleared his throat and broke Sirius' reverie.

"So, what do you know about Tonks?" he asked them.

"Not much," Sirius answered, although he felt himself squirm a bit. "She's in her early 20s, she's an Auror, lives alone, her mum's a pure blood, obviously, since she's my cousin, and Tonk's dad's is Muggle-born."

"Do you think she has a boyfriend?" Mundungus asked slyly.

"Why?" Sirius questioned him. Mundungus couldn't possibly mean...

"Why not? I-I-I was just wondering ..." he stuttered. "She's very pretty."

"She's my cousin!"

"Yes, but you're still a man, aren't you? Blood still flows in your loins, doesn't it? You have to have noticed that she's pretty."

"Don't even think about it!" Sirius warned him. Remus laughed and Mundungus looked warily at Sirius, unsure if he was joking or seriously challenging him.

"Okay, Okay," Mundungus said, holding his hands up in surrender. Remus pointed his wand at the piano and it began to play a piece by Chopin. "In any case, I guess I should be going," Mundungus yawned. "Got to be up early tomorrow to check on the cauldrons,"

"And Harry," Remus reminded him sternly. "Your first priority is Harry."

"Of course, of course," Mundungus waved his hands dismissively as he left the room, calling back, "I haven't forgotten." Remus and Sirius looked at one another. They weren't so sure of Mundungus' likelihood to remember his commitments.

"Are you really going to loan him the money?" Remus asked after they heard the front door shut heavily behind Mundungus.

"Oh, probably," Sirius replied, looking up toward the tall, cracked ceiling. "I don't need it. It's not like I can do anything with it in here."

"I don't understand how you can trust him when you are so skeptical of Snape."

Sirius laughed and looked to Remus, who continued to stand by the piano."It's easy. Someone like Mundungus Fletcher serves no master. Undermining the Ministry as well as Voldemort appeals to someone like that. Snape's the type who needs to serve someone. The problem is that I can't be certain who he's serving. With Mundungus, I know where he stands."

"Well, I'm not sure that's an accurate assessment of Snape, but I'd rather not have that discussion again. As far as Mundungus goes," Remus shrugged, "If you and Dumbledore think he's trustworthy, then I'll smother my doubts." The song had stopped so he pointed his wand at the piano and it began to play another classical piece.

"Do you think Tonks is pretty?" Sirius asked Remus. He had been mulling over Mundungus' questions about Tonks and he wondered if all the other men in the Order had made similar observations.

Remus chuckled. "I'm not going to answer that."

"Why not?" Sirius challenged.

"Because if I say 'no', you'll accuse me of lying, but if I say 'yes' you'll suspect that I fancy her."

Sirius shrugged, trying to sound nonplussed by the possibility. "It'd be perfectly natural if you did. I see the way she looks at you and, after all, you're not..."

"And neither are you," Remus cut in. "And for the record, she looks the same way at you, too."

"She's my cousin," Sirius stated firmly.

"As if that matters," Remus pointed out. "Among pure-blood families, marrying cousins is fairly common. Even your parents were cousins, as I recall."

Sirius groaned. "Don't bring that up! It's bad enough being in their house. I don't want to have to talk about them or be compared to them."

"I'm sorry. I'm just trying to make you see some reason and not get distracted by irrational fears. I've known you for a long time, Sirius, and I've seen you do this before. You begin to worry about something and then you start seeing deception everywhere. You did it before, when you suspected that I was betraying the Order, that I was the one who was Voldemort's spy!"

Sirius looked away and hung his head. He still had difficulty forgiving himself for the misconceptions that ultimately lead to James' death. He had nothing to say in reply to Remus and continued to look at the floor, listening as the piano continued to play. Remus walked over to him and placed his hands on Sirius' shoulders. "It doesn't matter what I think about Tonks. Yes, I like women. Yes, I've been with my share over the years, but from the moment I saw you in the Shrieking Shack, I abandon that past. Our future may not be clear, Sirius, but you have to trust me."

Sirius took a deep breath. Remus was right, he was becoming unreasonably suspicious, bordering on paranoid. "I do trust you," he said, looking up at Remus. "I think this house is getting to me, bringing out demons I thought were long gone. That and this damn heat! I need to get out of here! Maybe you could talk to Dumbledore and see if he could give me an assignment. Anything, I don't care how dangerous. I just need to be able to leave this dungeon once in a while."

"I'll see what I can do," Remus said with forced hopefulness. They both knew it was unlikely Remus could change Dumbledores mind. But instead of taking the conversation further, Remus reached down and grasped Sirius' hands, pulling him up to stand. "It's late. Come to bed now and I assure you that all your fears will have disappeared by morning."

As he walked with Remus through the warm, still air the darkened staircase, Sirius thought back to what Remus had observed. Did Tonks really look at him the way she looked at Remus? Did she see the same thing in Sirius that he saw in her? Did she feel as if something drew her gaze to him just like he felt an almost magnetic pull toward her? Was it their shared blood, or was it something else entirely? Could Remus truly look past her beauty and would he ever be able to do the same?

He opened the bedroom door. Finally, a breeze blew through an open window, hot and steamy like the breath of lovers, and Sirius knew that soon his questions would dissolve in a tangle of limbs and bedsheets as he gave himself to the love that was real and closed his mind to a love that he could only imagine.

_To Readers and Reviewers: Thank you Malianani, Shiny Objects, Prfm, Lady Annikaa, Moony's Daughter, lali812, and 'Mange Tak' CyriusBlack! For those readers not from the US, the title of this chapter "Forsaking All Others" is traditionally said in one's wedding vows. _


	4. Words Unspoken

_A/N: In OOTP, it says on page 110 of the British editon, "Lupin, who was staying in the house with Sirius..." _

_In this chapter we learn it was Sirius' mother who told Voldemort that he needed the Prophecy. This is not from any source other than my previous story "A Goblet Of Blood." _

**4. Words Unspoken**

The Weasley's moved into Grimmauld Place with the all of the chaos expected of a large family, but Sirius didn't mind. In fact the activity was a welcome distraction from the echoing stillness that persisted when he was alone. Additionally, although he grew up with only one brother, Sirius' family had been very social and the house had always been full of relatives and visitors for as long as he could remember. With the influx of so many new people, Grimmauld Place seemed brighter somehow, as if it, too, hated being empty.

"You seem a lot happier," Remus commented later that first night. He moved up and turned to face Sirius, who was lying contentedly on his back.

"Why wouldn't I be, after that?" Sirius responded with a satisfied sigh.

Remus smiled at him, "I meant happier in general, not just right now."

"No longer snapping at you with my paranoid thoughts, you mean? Yes, I am happier with everyone here. I finally feel useful, being around all these people. The kids are great and Molly has offered to help clean the place up a bit. That will be a welcome change from living in such filth."

"That's a gargantuan job, but I suppose it give the kids something to do as well. I know George and Fred Weasley all too well, and they need to be kept busy or they'll find a way to learn all about what we are doing?" Remus laughed.

"'We' as in the Order of the Phoenix or 'we' meaning you and me?" Sirius asked.

"Well, both, I guess," Remus shrugged.

"I for one don't care what they know," Sirius said boldly. "And once James is here, I plan to tell him everything."

"Harry," Remus corrected, "He's not James, he's Harry, and he's underage. I think some discretion would not be a bad thing. At least at first."

"I'm sure Harry can handle it," Sirius shot back, embarrassed by his mistake. "He's seen quite a bit in the past year: Voldemort returning, Cedric Diggory dying..."

"And don't you think that's enough? Sirius, you are his godfather and I'm not trying to take over that role for you. I'm just suggesting that, well, maybe you should go more slowly when you reveal things to him, that's all. What's the hurry, there's plenty of time for him to learn the things he needs to know."

"He's only here for such a short time, Remus," Sirius pleaded. "I want him to know me, really know me. James wanted that."

"But don't you think he will get to know you, just by living here for the next month?"

Sirius held up his arms and motioned around. "This is not what I want him to know about me. I don't want him to see me as a lonely vagrant living in a Dark Wizards house."

"You're not that at all," Remus assured him. "I'm just suggesting that you take it slow."

Sirius said nothing for a few moments and then acquiesced with a deep breath. "Maybe you're right. After all, I haven't come up with a way to tell him. I don't know what words to use, how to anticipate his reaction, how to explain the years we spent..."

"That will come with time," Remus cut across, reassuring him. "You'll get to know him better and it will seem natural when the proper time arrives. I know it will."

"I'm just so anxious to see him again," Sirius said.

"I am, too. It's been more than a year," Remus mused. "But it's only a few more days. I think you can wait."

"Meanwhile," Sirius said with a mischievous smile as he turned over on to his stomach and began sliding downward, "There's one thing that can't wait, an urgent task that needs to be attended to."

"You make it seem like a chore," Remus laughed.

"This is never a chore. The chore is yours in that you must try not to wake the house with your howls," Sirius teased, "or the Weasleys will be wondering if there's a full moon."

"The muffling charm should work for some time," Remus said rationally. "And besides, if you didn't wake them already, then we have nothing to worry about. You could never control yourself."

Sirius was tempted to defend himself and his effort at self-restraint, but the allure of their private intimacy was so great, that he decided instead to go about and prove who was the loudest among them.

* * *

Harry arrrived at what had to be the worst time for Sirius. While so many hours had passed slowly and uneventfully during his brief stay at Grimmauld Place, the evening when Harry arrived was full of activity. As excited as he was to be with Harry, their reunion had to wait until after the last minute meeting that Dumbledore called. The fact that it was Snape's information that they needed to discuss made Sirius hate the man even more. Every second with Harry was precious, and Sirius hadn't expected that they would need to spend time away from each other, even within the confines of Grimmauld Place.

"It's as you thought, Dumbledore," Snape said slowly and deliberately, his eyes never meeting anyone's other than Dumbedore's. "He is beginning to suspect the connection."

"Thank you, Severus," Dumbledore replied, nodding. "I know that was hard for you to discover. I appreciate you efforts in discovering those things that we can only imagine."

"And there's more," Snape revealed, as if he did not hear Dumbledore's compliment. "He wants the Prophecy."

"The Prophecy?" Sirius asked. "Why would he want that?"

Snape turned slowly and ran his eyes up and down Sirius' face, as if trying to remember his name. "Apparently," he began and then turned back to Dumbledore, "apparently right before he was defeated, a witch told him that one should only follow prophecies when they are heard in their entirity and from the mouth of the psychic. He did not do that and look what happened. He is determined not to make the same mistake twice."

Dumbledore considered this new information. "I see," he said finally.

"Oh, and the witch who gave him this helpful advice year ago," Snape added with slightly more animation than usual, "was named Walburga Black." He turned toward Sirius, "Wasn't she your mother?" he asked, obviously enjoying Sirius' discomfort.

Sirius was just about to answer, when Arthur Weasley cut in. "The prophecies are held in the Ministry of Magic, well guarded. There is no way he could get in there."

"Perhaps he plans to send someone else to get it for him," Tonks suggested.

"Not possible," Kingsley shook his head. "Prophecies can only be retrieved by the one whose name is mentioned. He'd have to get it himself."

"Then we need to prevent him from doing so," Arthur Weasley said. "This is actually a fortunate turn of events, you might say, in that we know where he'll be."

"We just don't know when he'll be there," Remus finished.

"So we keep watch," Tonks suggested happily. "I'll volunteer to patrol the area after hours. We'll all take turns. Mad Eye, you have an Invisibility Cloak, don't you? That way we don't have to explain it to the authorities."

The conversation continued and Sirius listened to the others make plans, once again leaving him out, preventing him from playing a significant role in the Orders work, forcing him to focus on the fact that this was his mother's doing. In his minds eye he saw her shadow growing larger, spreading beyond the walls of Grimmauld Place and seeping through the walls of the Ministry until all was black. She haunted more than her portrait, more than her home, more than his soul. She haunted their destiny. A dark gloom fell over Sirius and he spent the rest of the meeting fighting off the feeling of dread.

In the month of August, Sirius spent his most enjoyable weeks in Grimmauld Place. The Weasleys and Harry took his mind away from his troubles and were endlessly entertained by Sirius and Remus' tales from their youth. The mood inside the house was infectious. Sirius woke up happy every day and went to bed each night with the exuberance and voraciousness he remembered from his youth. Even the stress of Harry's trial did not affect Sirius. Although he worried for Harry's future, the chance, ever so slight, that condemnation by the Wizengamot would mean that Harry could live with him, sparked a sense of hope within Sirius, although he kept that thought to himself.

But the holiday ended all too soon. The kids began getting ready to return to Hogwarts and Harry's eagerness to return to school tore at Sirius' heart. While he remembered how much he looked forward to September first when he was a student, he now felt despair as he realized the lives of Harry and his friends would move on, while he remained alone in Grimmauld Place

"I'm going tomorrow," he told Remus the night before everyone was to leave for King's Cross Station.

Remus, who had been writing a quick letter at the desk, stopped what he was doing and turned to face Sirius. "Honestly, Sirius, do you think that's wise?"

Sirius shrugged, "I don't care. I just can't stay here worrying like an old woman. I need to see Harry get on the train, just to know he is safe."

"But what about your safety?"

"I care nothing about that!" Sirius said sharply.

Remus paused. "Yes, I know. But what you fail to realize is that I do care."

"I'll be fine. I'll go as the dog, no one will know. Well, no one besides Harry, that is."

"Sirius..." Remus began to plead, but Sirius cut him off.

"Don't. Don't reason with me, because I am beyond reason. I need to go. I may not have any duties in the Order, besides keeping Kreacher in line, but I do still have one duty that transcends even the Order - the duty that James and Lily gave me so many years ago - to protect my godson. No one can stop me from that, no even you." He turned around and left the room quickly, closing the door behind him with a bang, and rushing off to hide with Buckbeak, away from the well-intended warnings and criticisms he knew he would be forced to hear if he stayed.

It was late when he finally left the Hippogriff to return to his room. Arthur Weasley snored softly behind his closed door as Sirius made his way silently up the staircase. He muttered a spell so that the door hinges would not creak as he opened them and he stepped soundlessly across the threshold. The voice in the darkness broke the stillness. "I won't stop you."

"I thought you were asleep."

"I couldn't sleep. Look Sirius, I understand how you feel about Harry. I know that to you he is James, he is Lily, and he is all those years you can never get back. I know you like to be reckless and daring and that being trapped in this house is killing you. Go, Sirius, do what you have to do."

Sirius nodded. Unsure if his silent response could be seen in the darkness.

"There's something else, something I haven't told you because I didn't want you to be upset."

"What is it?" Sirius asked, preparing himself for more disappointment.

"I'm leaving, too. Dumbledore is sending me on a mission, right after we put Harry on the Hogwarts Express. I'm leaving from King's Cross. I know it's bad timing and I hate the idea of you being here alone in this house, but..."

"I understand," Sirius offered. "The Order comes first." He lay down upon his bed. The sheets were warm and mattress shifted with the addition of his weight. There may have been more to say on the subject of the departure of everyone, except him, from Grimmauld Place, but he was determined not to think of it. Instead, he turned over and wordlessly sought relief from his pain in the arms that were always open to him.

_Thank you - CyriusBlack, Malianani, ShinyObjects, Mooney's Daughter, Lady Annikaa, Prfm, lali812, Danke - Tine San, Merci - Summer728103._


	5. Miss Understanding

_A/N: Nights with sexy dreams! This chapter illustrates Sirius' confusion regarding another's intentions. _

**5. Miss Understanding**

He returned alone from Kings Cross Station and went directly into the sitting room. The memories haunting the room felt like arrows, flying from the bows of ghosts and lodging themselves deep in his chest with a pain he felt he could not bear to suffer. Was this all that was left for him? The house seemed colder to him now, devoid of the warming presence of those he loved and those who loved him. They had all moved on. They had their own lives to attend to: school, families, work. It was he who had nothing.

His heart was like a stone, dragging him downward, drowning him in the silence and misery.

"Sirius?" the voice was small and questioning. He looked up and saw her standing in the doorway. She no longer looked like the old woman she had disguised herself as to take Harry to the train station. Her hair was long and brown and to Sirius she looked so much like her mother. "Are you okay?" she asked.

The image of Andromeda reminded him of how much he missed her and how much he missed being part of a family, a friendship group, a Quidditch team, and even the Order of the Phoenix, in which now he had almost no role. He hated being alone. He drew in a deep breath as he felt himself dropping deeper into the sea of sadness. "I was just wondering," he told her, looking at the tapestry that filled the wall before him. His voice was thin, as weak as he felt in this moment. "What sin did I commit, Tonks? Of what crime am I guilty? Every day I feel the punishment and I would happily repent, if I only knew from whom I need forgiveness."

"Oh, Sirius," Tonks said sympathetically. "I know it's hard." She crossed the room and put her arm around him.

Together they sat on the sofa and Sirius continued. "I miss Harry already. I've looked forward to spending time with him ever since the day I met him and now it's over. The month went by so quickly, Tonks, and all that time we were here, in this dungeon. Do you know how much I wanted to get outside with him? To play Quidditch or just walk and talk, like it was when I was his age and James and I..." his voice cracked with emotion and she pulled him closer.

"It's okay," she soothed. "It's going to be okay." Sirius closed his eyes and let his body fall into hers. Despite her slender figure, her arms felt strong around him and Sirius felt himself being pulled from despair like a drowning man rescued by a powerful swimmer. He closed his eyes and let himself be saved in her embrace.

He must have fallen asleep in her arms. When he opened his eyes the room was dark and he was lying on the sofa, his head resting on its arm. She was still holding him and he could feel the soft rise and fall of her regular breath. He shifted his eyes so he could see her. She was lying against him, asleep, her brown hair strewn around her face and across his body. He knew he should wake her, tell her that he was sorry and that it was time for her to go, but he did not. He could not. After all she had done for him that night, it didn't feel right to thank her and send her on her way. Selfishly, he wanted this moment to last. After so many years in Azkaban without feeling the warm, soothing touch of another, he savored the closeness of another human being, the contact of bodies, which, when he was a young man, he had taken for granted.

Sirius closed his eyes and relaxed once again into the sofa. He felt her shift slightly, moving more closely into the curve of his body, as if the space had been waiting all this time for her. He let his free hand drift around her and fell back to sleep.

_He was sixteen years old again. The Room of Requirement was dark and small, but large enough for their purposes. Bertha was a few years older than he and her hands moved over his body as enthusiastically as his hands explored hers. She was voluptuous, what others might call plump, but her shape added to her charm. She had lots of blonde, curly hair and a trail of light freckles along her otherwise pink cheeks. They kissed hungrily, excitedly, moving quickly towards the fulfillment of their adolescent lust. He undid the buttons of her blouse as she moved her hands lower and then lower still. Sirius didn't know whether he should be proud of his arousal or embarrassed by it._

_"You've done this before, right?" she asked him, breathlessly._

_"Right," Sirius answered truthfully, although it had only been once. The woman had been older and experienced, more like a teacher than a sexual partner. He wondered briefly if he would be as successful without expert guidance, but he was too far along to care._

_"Good," she said as she lay backwards and pulled him on top of her. "I hate shagging boys who don't know what they're doing."_

_They were nearly naked, clothes pushed away strategically to expose the parts of their bodies that longed to be touched. She moved her thighs apart and guided him on his journey into intimacy. He looked down at her and, as it happens in dreams, she was no longer shrouded in darkness so he could see her clearly. But where there had once been a voluptuous blonde school girl lying beneath him, now lay a thin, brunette in a bright pink bra._

_Did he want this even more? _

He gasped and quickly awoke from the dream. It was morning now and sunlight streamed through the sitting room window. He tried to sit up, but Tonk's weight prevented him from doing it quickly. At the same moment he realized that the dream had caused an unwanted physical response and he was grateful for the robe that covered his clothes.

"Tonks," he said as he sat up slowly. "Wake up. We must have fallen asleep."

Tonks yawned and stretched. "Good morning," she said brightly. "Did you sleep okay?" There was no hint of embarrassment in her voice, no distress that she had spent the night on the sofa in his arms.

"Erm, I think so," Sirius stumbled. The erotic dream and its after effects still confused him. "You won't be late for work will you?" He asked as a way of distracting her from their situation.

She looked at her watch. "Not too late, if I leave right now." She yawned again and ran her fingers through her hair.

"Do you need to ...erm...change clothes? I mean, will the other Aurors wonder why you are still wearing the same clothes as yesterday? I wouldn't want you to feel compromised in any way."

She laughed at him. Her laughter was light, youthful. "One of the many benefits of being a metamorph, Sirius, is that I can deflect attention away from my clothes just by changing my hairstyle." She squinted her eyes and the brown hair was gone, replaced by curly blonde locks, similar to those of Bertha Jorkins, the long ago girlfriend who filled Sirius' most recent dream. The coincidence took Sirius' breath away and he stared at her, unable to speak.

"Will you be alright?" She asked Sirius as she stood up and straightened her clothes. He nodded and she kissed his forehead as one would a small child. "I'll come by later this evening."

"You don't have to do that," Sirius called after her as she headed to the door of the sitting room.

She stood on the threshold for a moment before turning around to face him. "I know," she replied with a smile, "but I want to." She tossed her curls and then she was gone.

It was late when she returned to Grimmauld Place. This time Sirius took her to the music room and she admired the ebony piano. "Do you play?" she asked.

"No," Sirius responded shaking his head. "My parents encouraged me to take lessons, but I could never sit still that long. Remus plays, though." And then he added, "When he's here, I mean."

"How is Remus?" she asked, her face brightening. "Have you heard from him?"

"Not since he left yesterday, and I don't expect I will. The mission is all very secretive, so I don't suppose he'll have time to send an owl. In any case," Sirius joked, "I have you checking up on me, why would I need another babysitter?"

Tonks laughed and dropped onto the red velvet sofa. A cloud of dust rose up and she waved it away with her hands. "Let's open a window, get some air in here," she said. She pointed her wand and the windows creaked upward. Sirius sat down beside her on the opposite side of the sofa. He was afraid to touch her, even accidently for fear of what could unintentionally happen yet again.

"So," Tonks said, "Tell me about my mother."

"What do you want to know?" Sirius chuckled.

"Everything," Tonks exclaimed, making a wide circle with her arms. "She tells me nothing about her childhood. When I was young, she told me that she had no family - no parents, no sisters, no cousins. Of course, I discovered that wasn't true, but she still won't say anything. And Dad's no help - they eloped so he never even met my grandparents."

"Well, that's understandable. They were quite wretched, the whole family was, except for you mother, of course. She was my favorite cousin."

"How come?"

"Oh, because she was her own person. She cared nothing about the values of our elders. She was what Muggles called a hippy in her youth."

"MY MUM, a hippy!" Tonks shouted in disbelief.

"Oh yes," Sirius replied, smiling as he remembered Andromeda, smoking cigarettes and wearing bell bottom jeans.

There was so much more to say and Tonks was a great audience. He talked and talked and she listened, laughed, and asked more questions as the night wore on. The room grew cold and she moved closer to him. He put his arm around her and drew her closer, keeping her warm as he spun his tales of the Black family in happier days. Somewhere a clock chimed and he realized it was two o'clock in the morning. "Do you think you should go home?" he asked. But she was already asleep, lying softly against him. He loved the feel of her there. She was light enough that her weight felt more like a heavy blanket than a grown woman. The curls of her now blonde hair tickled his neck, and he could almost feel the beat of her heart against his own. He felt his muscles tense. Was this wrong? Was it so bad that he slept chastely beside his cousin, after sharing family stories? Or was he kidding himself? Did he want her there with him for reasons that were not so chaste?

Whatever the reason, he did not have to decide right now. He placed his lips in her blond curls and kissed the top of her head. "Good night," he whispered as he settled down next to her and they slept, once again, together on another sofa.

_Sirius was back at Hogwarts. It was the night of the graduation dance and they sat together under the beech tree by the lake. He felt his heart beat heavy with hunger. "We can't," his companion whispered to him._

_"I know," Sirius replied, but despite his words he leaned over and they kissed. Sirius expected to hear a world of protest, but none came. He parted his lips and felt his lover do the same. Their kisses were slow and soft at first, but grew deeper and more urgent as they continued. It was dangerous, he knew, but Sirius knew there might not be another chance. _

_Without speaking they began to undress one another. Music from the dance filled the air like a warm, comforting breeze as Sirius lay back on to the discarded clothing, desperate to make love. "Now!" he moaned, "I can't wait any longer." He looked up to the one with whom he shared this secret, sensual moment, but insted of looking into the amber eyes of his lover, he saw Tonks._

"Sirius," she said quietly.

Sirius started awake and the dream faded, although its hard ache did not. "Hi," he offered weakly, rising carefully to sit next to her. The room had lightened with the arrival of morning.

Tonks groaned in jest and lay her head back onto his shoulder. "I'm still tired. What time did I fall asleep?"

"Maybe around two," he told her. "I was going to wake you, but ..."

"I'm glad you didn't," she cut across. "Then I would have gotten even less sleep. Can I ask you for a favor?"

"Anything," Sirius assured her.

"Can I use you bathroom? I really need a shower."

"Go right ahead," Sirius offered and she left the room. After a few minutes he heard the clanging of Grimmauld Place's ancient pipes and tried not to imagine her under a stream of warm water, her naked body barely visible through the steam.

He didn't expect her the next night, but she came anyhow, this time carrying two parcels. "What's in the bags," Sirius asked quietly as he ushered her past the sleeping portrait.

"That bag," she said, indicating the one that Sirius had taken from her, "has some fresh vegetables that I bought at a nearby market. I thought I could make soup for dinner. And in this bag," she held it up so he could see, "I brought a change of clothes so I can officially spend the night."

"Oh," Sirius said, looking at the bag she held, unsure of her implication. He wanted to ask her what was happening between them. He didn't outrighly lust for her, yet her presence had brought forth erotic dreams. She didn't appear to encourage him romantically, yet she was planning to sleep over for a third time and she had brought food to make their dinner. Was the familiarity with which she interacted with him the beginnings of a deep friendship, or did she feel something more? He did not know the answer anymore than he knew which way he hoped she would respond if he asked her.

She put down the bag. "Sirius, I have a confession to make." She looked solumnly at him and he felt his heart begin to pound. Was this the moment when he would learn her true intention? Was it a confession of her love for him? And what would he tell her? What part of his life would he give up when it came his time to respond?

"A confession?" he asked weakly. In his mind's eye he saw Remus, pulling him up from the floor of the Shrieking Shack, embracing him and choosing to be with him all despite the risks. Could he put that behind him if he heard the truth in her confession? Sirius held his breath and waited for her to speak.

"Yes," she nodded looking away. Her hair was red today, not ginger, but red like an apple and it emphasized the flush in her cheeks. "Even though I brought these, I didn't know... perhaps you..." His heart pounded in his chest as she looked up at him and continued, "Sirius, I can't cook. And that horrible House Elf won't do what I tell him. Would you mind telling him what to make for dinner?"

Sirius nodded and exhaled.

_To readers and reviews: Thanks for all the great reviews on the last chapter! thank you Malianani, Shiny Objects, Moony's daughter, CyriusBlack, Slightlyxmarrionette-esque, Desiesjo, and to those quiet individuals who read, but don't always review. As ShinyObjects mentioned in her review, it's always a struggle of whether to retell what happened in the book or to assume that you all know. I always go with the latter._


	6. Lie in a Flock of Truth

_This chapter explains what was going on in Sirius' mind in the last chapter and will, hopefully, remind you why you read slash._

**6. Lie in a Flock of Truth**

"You're less like your father than I thought," Sirius said coldly. "The risk would have made it fun for James." He was kneeling before the kitchen hearth, talking to Harry, Hermione, and Ron who were in the Gryffindor common room. He had just suggested that they meet up on the next Hogsmeade weekend, but the three students did not think it was a good idea. Sirius felt hurt and quickly ended the conversation with the excuse that Kreacher was approaching.

Sirius sat back on cold stone of the kitchen floor and looked into the flame still burning in the fireplace. He wondered why he had so quickly abandoned what had otherwise been a pleasant conversation when there were so distractions to fill his days. Tonks had become busy at work and came by much less often. With many of the Order members out on missions, like Remus and Hagrid, there were fewer meetings. Even Mundungus seemed to busy to bother Sirius with the details of his latest schemes.

But even though he craved the company of others, Sirius still found himself becoming irritable when confronting his friends. He envied their freedom and resented the way they all seemed to band together to protect him.

"I am not a child! I can protect myself!" he shouted at Dumbledore after the last Order meeting. The others had left and Sirius had asked Dumbledore to stay behind in hope of cajoling the headmaster into letting him take on a mission; however, Dumbledore did not submit to Sirius' request and the conversation had deteriorated into shouting. "I've done it for many years, what makes you think I am suddenly incapable to do such a thing?"

"Because I know you, Sirius. I know you feel an obligation to James that you can not satisfy. James died, Sirius. His death releases you. It does not tie you to some misguided form of revenge."

"I know that!" Sirius answered, his voice wavering. "I'm not out to avenge his death. I only want to fulfill my duties as Harry's godfather."

"Is that really all, Sirius?" Dumbledore asked. "Can you honestly say that you only have Harry's interests at heart?"

Sirius turned and looked away. Dumbledore was right. In addition to protecting Harry, Sirius did have another agenda - a mission that grew in clarity the longer he stayed in Grimmauld Place. He had decided that it was not only his duty to avenge James' death, but also to bring honor back to the Black family. His family had been Voldemort supporters and well-known Dark Wizards. He hated being associated with that history and during these months that he had been alone he had been plotting ways that the Blacks would be remembered for something else. For Tonks' sake, as well as his own, he wanted to make a brilliant contribution to the Order. And now he felt Dumbledore was keeping him from fulfilling that destiny.

"Sirius," Dumbledore said more quietly. He came up behind Sirius and placed his hand on Sirius' shoulder. "We can't live in the past. We can't spend a lifetime trying to make up for mistakes that we can't change. You are lucky, Sirius." Sirius turned around and stared at the older man in disbelief. "Yes," Dumbledore said in response to his unasked question. "You are lucky because you are loved. Harry loves you in the way he never had the chance to love James. He loves you as the family he never truly had. And, of course, he is not the only one who loves you. Sirius, you know how much he suffered. You know he…" Dumbledore's voice trailed off. In deference to Sirius, he did not say what they both knew. Sirius nodded. "Think about them, Sirius. You may believe that they love you because you are reckless and daring, but they love you because you are with them. Your very presence brings them hope - hope that what we have lost can return to us once again, not through death and revenge, but through love. Think of them, Sirius. Think of how much you mean to them. You may not care about your own safety, but know that there are those of us who do care what happens to you."

Although he did not want to admit it to himself, he knew Dumbledore was right. He was so alone in Azkaban, believing that his actions had caused him to lose everyone that he had loved. Now he had love again in his life and he was happy for that. But in the many hours he spent looking out the window, watching summer turn to autumn and autumn begin her journey into winter, he still felt alone.

He knew it was emptiness he felt in Grimmauld Place that caused him to believe that Tonks was flirting with him. He knew it was his loneliness that led him to consider the possibility of loving her. In that dark time after everyone had left, it made him happy to believe that he was once again being pursued by a pretty girl. When he was young he took it for granted that women wanted him. He was rich and good looking with an air of detachment that they found irresistible. What they did not know was that the emotional distance was the result of his love for another - one he felt he could not have. At the time, he did not realize how much he enjoyed being the center of a lovely girl's attention, but when it was gone, like so many things he had lost, it felt like an undeserved luxury. When he met Tonks he allowed himself to relive that feeling once again, for she reminded him of how it felt to be young, attractive, and desired.

His was a harsh reality: he came up with arguments to justify leaving Grimmauld Place, but he knew that he could not leave; he imagined a romantic adventure, but he knew it would never be fulfilled.

Months went by and Sirius had almost gotten used to the echoing silence of the house. Sometimes Buckbeak would call out or stumble about his room. Occasionally Sirius heard Kreacher mumbling to himself or creeping up the stairs from where he slept in the basement; but other than those disruptions, Grimmauld Place was as silent as a monastery most of the time. At night he sat in the kitchen, sometimes drowning his thoughts in Firewhiskey and at other times listening to the crack of the fire, imagining the conversations of others, fantasizing about the life he once had.

It was one such night when his silent reverie was broken with the distinctive sound of the locks in the front door turning. Sirius felt the hair on the back of his neck rise. Excitement turned in his chest and he raced up the stairs with his wand outstretched.

The street lights had been extinguished and there was no moon. The front hallway was wrapped thick in darkness. The door creaked open, but it was too dark for Sirius to make out the figure who entered. "Lumos!" he called and a blue light emerged from his wand.

"Nox!" a voice called back and once again the room was shrouded in black. Sirius head the rush of footfall as the intruder made his way toward Sirius, pushing him hard up against the wall of the entrance hall. Strong arms pinned his shoulders and the crash brought a smattering of dust and cobwebs raining down upon his hair, but Sirius did not fight back. He surrendered immediately to his captor. In that brief moment before the light from his wand went dark, Sirius had seen the predatory eyes of the wolf and knew he was to be the prey.

Their mouths met and they kissed hungrily, unable to move, not wanting to breathe. The quick commotion awoke his mother's portrait and Sirius heard the curtain pull tentatively back. He awaited the inevitable sound of her shriek, but it did not come. "Well," she mumbled finally, "I never would have guessed." And the curtain closed again, allowing them unexpected quiet and privacy in their reunion.

"I didn't expect you back tonight," Sirius managed to say in a moment when his throat was the focus of his attacker's attention and their lips did not touch.

"I know. I didn't have time to send an owl. I just wanted to get back to you as soon as I could." They kissed again deeply and emotionally.

"Why did you block the light?" Sirius asked. "Why won't you let me see you?"

"Because I missed you so much that I need to take you in slowly or I will destroy you with my passion. I thought that if I let the wolf taste your lips, then, perhaps he would calm and slink off, allowing me to have you all to myself."

"Ah, but it is the wolf I love, the darkness makes the good in you shine so much more brightly."

"Perhaps, but isn't it also true that you love the danger? You love the feeling of fighting back the wild animal," His teeth grazed Sirius' neck and Sirius moaned with pleasure. "You want it wild and reckless, like it was when we were young." He ran his tongue along Sirius' throat in whispered in his ear, "You want to be possessed by the power and the ferociousness of the wolf, don't you?"

"Yes" Sirius whispered back, the desire building in him. "Yes."

"But I also know you love the man behind the wolf; the man who loves you as if that were his only truth."

"Take me, Remus," Sirius moaned, "Make love to me now."

Hours later were lying on their backs on Sirius' bed. Their heavy breaths were all that was left of the months of unfulfilled desire, which had been happily satiated. "So," Remus said finally, "tell me what has been happening while I've been away."

"Nothing much," Sirius responded. He did not want to think back upon the despair that had ravaged him in Remus' absence.

"No news from the Order?" Remus questioned. He rolled over onto Sirius, allowing his head to rest on Sirius' shoulder. "Have you seen anyone?"

Sirius realized that Remus was lying in the same spot where Tonk had rested. He curled his body into Sirius' the way she had done and Sirius felt oddly uncomfortable with the comparison. "Just Dumbledore," he said, although in his mind he was remembering the quiet sound of Tonks' measured breath and the soft, warm feel of her skin as she slept beside him. "And I spoke to Harry in the fireplace."

"Really?" Remus' interest was peaked. "How is Harry?"

Sirius was happy that the subject had changed from the months he had spent alone in Grimmauld Place to Harry and the troubles at Hogwarts. Remus did not ask again about the Order or in whose company Sirius had spent time. But as their conversation continued, casual and easy as it had always been between them, Sirius saw his lie as if it were a wounded bird, limping desperately among the able-bodied truths. In time, he saw it fly away, unnoticed by Remus, lost in their flock of words.

_Thanks again for all of the reviews. Coming up: jealousy and anger._


	7. The Pursuit of Passion

_I don't own these characters - I just give them complex intimate lives : - )_

**7. The Pursuit of Passion**

"Mundungus has something to tell us?" Sirius questioned. "Since when does Mundungus call together meetings of the Order of the Phoenix?"

Remus shrugged. "I know it sounds odd, but apparently he has some important information." They were in the basement kitchen at Grimmauld Place waiting for the others to join them. There was footfall on the stairs and both men turned their attention to the visitor. It was Snape and he was alone.

"Hello, Severus," Remus said cheerfully, in an effort to break the inevitable tension between Sirius and Snape that often threatened to ruin gatherings when both were present. "Did Dumbledore come with you?"

"No," Snape replied, looking around the room to avoid making eye contact. "He apparently has other things to attend to."

"That's a shame as he is probably the only member of the Order who trusts you," Sirius snorted.

Remus ignored him and tried to redirect the conversation. "And how are things at Hogwarts these days?"

"Not well," Snape answered, turning finally to look at Remus. "Our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is truly a poor role model, even worse than you, Lupin."

"At least he was offered the position!" Sirius retorted. "Unlike you who has tried but failed to get it!"

"Have you appointed yourself Lupin's defender now, Black?" Snape responded with scorn. "I guess you have to find something useful to occupy your time."

"At least I..." Sirius began, but his sentence was interupted by a gleeful shout from the stairwell.

"Remus!" Tonks shrieked. "You're back!" And then she tripped on the bottom step, falling unintentionally into Remus' arms. Remus caught her and held her as she recovered her balance, full of apology, her face red with embarrassment. Molly and Arthur Weasley followed her into the kitchen. Soon they were joined by Mad Eye Moody and Bill Weasley. A smattering of other members arrived shortly afterward, including Mundungus Fletcher, who told them about following Harry and his friends to the Hogs Head and overhearing their plan to form a secret society.

Sirius laughed. "Good for him! It's just what James would have done under the circumstances."

"This is NOT funny," Molly Weasley scolded. "If Mundungus can discover their plan relatively easily then so can the Ministry and we know that they have no scruples. I doubt that they would shy away from arresting children. We must put a stop to it! I'm going to send a howler to Ron right away." She stood up quickly, but Arthur grabbed her wrist.

"There's no need to panic, Molly," Arthur said in a reasonable tone. "Teenagers always think bigger than they are willing to act. It is likely that they will spend far more time talking about this so-called secret society then they will spend doing something about it, don't you agree, Bill?" He turned toward his eldest son and Sirius heard Tonks snort under her breath.

Bill agreed and it was Snape who spoke next. "I'll keep an eye on them at Hogwarts. If they make any move to form a secret society, I'll make sure to stop them."

"Well, I am still going to talk to my son," Molly insisted. "I want to make sure he has nothing to do with this!"

"Let me do it, Molly," Sirius suggested. "I've been keeping in contact with Harry, Ron and Hermione, so it will be less suspicious if I pass along a word from you." Molly nodded in reluctant agreement.

The meeting dispersed shortly afterward, but Tonks stayed behind in the kitchen with Remus and Sirius. Their conversation was easy and they laughed together, gossiping about other members of the Order. "So I heard from Molly that Bill Weasley is dating Fleur Delacour." Remus told them.

"Lucky him," Sirius said, admiringly. He had seen Fleur's picture when she competed with Harry in the Triwizard Tournament and knew that she was a lovely girl.

"If you like ethereal beauty," Tonks shrugged dismissively.

"What is up with you and Bill Weasley?" Sirius asked her. "I heard you snorting when he spoke before. Do you have some issue with him?"

"Oh, it's nothing really," Tonks responded, blushing slightly. "Just, well, you know, some things from the past that I should probably let go of."

"Wait," Sirius said, standing up and smiling. "You shagged him, didn't you?"

"What make you think that?" Tonks replied, blushing even more deeply.

"Come on, spill it!" Sirius teased.

"You know, Sirius," Remus cut in. "Tonks does deserve some privacy..."

"No, she doesn't," Sirius laughed. "Come on! You're among friends. I want all the details!"

"Then I'm going to need a drink," Tonks said. "What have you got?"

The three of them ventured into the wine cellar and retrieved a few bottles, which they then brought upstairs to the sitting room. Tonks was wearing black jeans, black motorcycle boots, and a white T-shirt with the logo of a punk rock band from the '70s. Her hair was very short, ink black, and spiked. The sparse, almost masculine appearance made her feminine features glow even more vividly. Sirius passed her a goblet of wine and she swallowed it quickly. He refilled the glass and she began to talk.

"It's silly, really. I was on the Hufflepuff Quidditch team and that year we were fierce rivals with the Gryffindor team, on which Charlie Weasley was a star. Bill came to watch the games all the time and he used to tease me about how my team could never win in a match up again Charlie. Once, after a practice we were talking and then, well, one thing led to another and..."

"Under the Quidditch stands?" Sirius laughed.

"Well, yes, as a matter of fact," Tonks answered, pouring herself another glass of wine. "How did you know?"

"Let's just say, you weren't the first Quidditch player to shag there," Remus replied, nodding at Sirius.

"But that doesn't explain why you don't get along with Bill," Sirius said, trying to remember the name of girl he had once taken there long ago.

"Oh, I just think he was embarrassed, that's all. I mean, Bill was the type who wanted his first time to be special, not a quick romp under the stands because his hormones couldn't hold out."

"And was it special for you?"

"Not really, it was pretty quick. I mean, I liked him, but I wasn't crazy about him. I guess I thought that shagging him would make me fall in love, so I was disappointed that it didn't happen." Tonks shrugged, "a crazy, romantic notion in hindsight. I guess I should get over it. It's one thing for him to feel uncomfortable in my presence, but I should rise above it."

"There we go," Sirius said and he rose to refill their glasses. "Let's drink to maturity."

Tonks toasted him, sipped her wine and then said, "Now it's your turn," she said, motioning to them with her wine glass. "Who wants to go first?"

"Well, mine is the most embarrassing, so I'll go," Remus volunteered. They had finished the first bottle and he poured himself another glass from the second one. "So picture the scene: two naked sixth year students, on top of a desk in an empty classroom. We thought it was the perfect place to hide, but neither of us had thought to lock the door."

"NO!" Tonks laughed so hard that wine squirted out your nose. "Who found you?"

"Filch," Remus replied.

"And were you scarred for life?"

"Well, not exactly," Remus said coyly. "But enough about me; Sirius' story is far more interesting."

"Really?" Tonks exclaimed, turning her attention to Sirius. "Go on then, let's hear it!"

"It was my sixteenth birthday and James and I snuck out of Hogwarts late that night and ended up in The Three Broomsticks after hours..."

"Oh no, don't tell me!" Tonks squealed, "Not Madam Rosmerta!"

"The very same," Remus laughed.

"The best birthday present ever!" Sirius told them.

He filled his glass one more time and went to refill Tonks' but she stopped him. "I really can't," she said. "I have a big day tomorrow and I can't afford to be hung over."

"Don't worry, we Blacks are genetically predisposed to avoid hangovers, unless, of course, we drink to great excess, say, a bottle of firewhiskey on an empty stomach."

"While I'd love to test your theory," Tonks said, stretching her arms above her head. In doing so, she pressed her chest forward and her black bra and supple breasts caught Sirius' eye. "The Minister of Magic is meeting with the Aurors tomorrow. We suspect he is going to try to convince us that we have eradicated the Dark Arts."

"Well, that's hardly true!" Sirius shot back.

"I know, but he's in denial that Voldemort has returned. He wants to put everyone at ease, but we Aurors think it will just make things worse. In any case, I should go." She stood up and grabbed her robe. She kissed Sirius on the cheek. "I'll let myself out. Good night, Remus," she said as she gave him a quick kiss.

They listened to her footsteps disappearing down the hall. They heard the front door open and then shut and lock behind her. "Do you remember OUR first time?" Sirius asked Remus.

"I remember our first, our last, and all that was in between," Remus told him as he moved across the room to where Sirius sat on the sofa. They kissed and Sirius could feel the strength of Remus' intentions.

"Shall we go upstairs?" Sirius asked.

Remus shook his head and slipped Sirius' jumper over his head. "No. I don't want to wait that long."

It didn't surprise Sirius that Remus wanted to make love right then. Despite Remus' calm, controled demeanor, he was a fierce and passionate lover. Their intimate life was full of surprises and the many innovative ways they had discovered to explore one another's body brought Sirius to new heights of satisfaction. As his hands traveled over Remus' naked torso, he thought back to the subject of tonight's conversation. In his youth, Sirius never would have expected that loving a man could bring him this much joy. He wondered if Tonks' had ever been in love and if she had ever experienced the passion of a creative lover. He found himself picturing her with Bill Weasley, her pale, youthful body lying in the dry yellow grass beneath the stands. He pictured her eyes closing and her body arching beneath her lover with sensual pleasure.

Suddenly, he was closer than he realized. He turned his attention back to Remus and, to his surprise, Remus was ready, too. Their bodies moved together fast and furious, and Sirius felt the tide rising quickly inside him. Remus thrust against him so powerfully that Sirius found himself taken completely off guard. Something was different, but Sirius was too far along to think. "I love you," he said as the sea of passion crested. "I love you."

And then he realized what had changed. Remus was always vocal when they made love. He howled his ectasy and called out Sirius' name over and over as his body wracked and shuddered. But this time he had been quiet. Instead of releasing his pleasure with sound and fury, Remus held back from speaking and thus his body had been more forceful, more demanding, as if he were struggling not to say another's name.

"What were you thinking just then?" Sirius asked him. They lay together upon the carpet, naked and spent. "What did you envision when you made love to me?"

Remus hesitated. "It was you, of course. Who else would I be thinking of?" He raised himself up on his elbows. "Come on," he said as he smiled at Sirius. "We should get upstairs and under some blankets before we freeze.

Sirius moved to follow him, but said nothing, for in that moment of hesitation, Sirius saw once again that wounded bird. Sirius could still detect the broken wing that kept the Remus' answer from flying and left it there, grounded between them.

Had Remus been thinking of Tonks, he wondered? When he touched Sirius, was Remus imagining that his hands were instead exploring her warm skin and soft breasts? Did he close his eyes and see not an ancient carpet, but the long, untrimmed grass that grew beneath the Hogwarts Quidditch stands? Had Remus fantasized taking her to those places that Bill had not? Did he picture her lying beneath him whispering "I love you" or was he showing her intimate mysteries of the type he shared with Sirius?

And if Remus had had those thoughts, Sirius wondered if he could honestly say that he, at that very same moment, did not have the same fantasy.

_Thank you Shiny Objects, Malianani, and Cyrius Black for continuing to review this story. As you can probably guess, I am using Tonks to create some tension in the relationship. Tension leads to fighting and fighting leads to make up sex._


	8. Peace of Heart

_Thank you so much for waiting! I promise I won't wait so long to update again. The title is a play on words._

**8. Peace of Heart **

In the days that followed, Tonks was never mentioned, but Sirius felt her presence as if she accompanied them throughout their day, slept between them in their bed, and watched over the headboard as they made love. In time he felt that presence fade, first to a vaporous, ghostlike creature, and finally to a brief spark of feeling or memory. Eventually he came to wonder if he had only imagined Remus' attraction to her. As far as his own feeling were concerned, she was his cousin and it was natural that he cared for her, or at least that was what he tried hard to convince himself in those moments when her image fluttered about in his imagination.

Snow had just begun to fall on a night in early December when Dumbledore announced that it was important that a meeting be held at once. Again, it was Snape who had information to share with the members of the Order. "He claims that the number of supporters is growing. He is bringing in new people and, this is most surprising, some old faces will soon be joining us."

"Death Eaters?" Mundungus asked.

Snape looked down his nose at the shorter man, "Apparently."

"Well, that seems unlikely," Tonks said. She arrived late to catch only the last part of Snape's announcement and Sirius was struck once again by how beautiful she was, especially with her cheeks so pink after coming in from the cold. She lowered herself quickly into a chair and began to unbutton her cloak, shaking her long, chestnut colored locks out from under her hood as she did so. "Most of them are locked up in Azkaban."

"Yes, but as we all now know, escape is possible," Dumbledore replied, nodding towards Sirius. Tonk's gaze shifted to her cousin and she smiled at him. Sirius felt his stomach flip and he smiled back.

"But one person escaping is quite different than many doing the same, so perhaps he means something else, like reinforcement from abroad," Remus added.

"Perhaps," Snape agreed, his eyes for the first time meeting another's as he looked at Remus before quickly turning away. "In any case, the meeting at the Malfoy Manor was well attended and his supporters are very eager to succeed where they had failed in the past. The Ministry's unwillingness to acknowledge the Dark Lord's return only excites them."

"And is that excitement contagious, Snape?" Sirius asked sarcastically. "Does it make you wonder on whose side you really belong?" He hadn't meant to engage Snape today, but something about Tonk's presence unnerved him and he felt himself slip into the old familiar ways: ways which garnered him attention in his youth.

"Sirius ..." Remus began to protest, but Snape cut across.

"I could ask you the same thing, Black. You were the one condemned as a traitor, were you not? And still it seems that your relatives permeate all aspects of his plan. Even the beautiful Mrs. Malfoy is your cousin, is she not? You could be planning a family reunion for all I know."

"'Beautiful', is she really, Snape? Are you pining after another man's wife? That's quite pathetic!" Sirius shot back.

"Not pining, just admiring, but I suppose you've forgotten what that's like. Locked up in here so long as you have been, I imagine even Lupin looks enticing!

Sirius stood up quickly and pointed his wand at Snape. Within seconds it flew from his hands and clattered on the table. All eyes turned to Dumbledore, who had silently disarmed Sirius. "That's enough!" Dumbledore stood up at the head of the kitchen table and looked at the two men. "Do you realize that your bickering only hurts our cause? This has to stop! Sirius, I know that this is your house, but Severus is an Order member and his loyalty can not be questioned in my presence. Do you understand?"

It had been years since Sirius had been called out for disrespectful behavior and he felt both embarrassed and angry. Instead of answering, he picked up his wand and left the room, marching quickly up the stone staircase and locking himself in his mother's former bedroom, where Buckbeak resided. Eventually he heard movement downstairs and knew the meeting had come to an end. The front door opened and shut several times as the Order members took their leave of Grimmauld Place. As time went on, he could hear two low voices conversing, one male and one female, Tonks and Remus, he imagined, but he could not make out their words. He listened intently, wishing that he could join the two, but the thought of their chastisements or worse, their ignoring the incident between him and Snape, made him reconsider. He heard the front door again and then footsteps aproaching the bedroom.

Remus said the unlocking spell and entered the room. Sirius did not look up. "Are you okay?" Remus questioned.

Sirius shrugged. "Do you think he knows?" he asked, referring to Snape.

"No," Remus answered truthfully, "But now he knows that those kinds of comments bother you, so you can be sure he'll use it again, if you continue to taunt him about the past."

"I don't trust him!" Sirius said emphatically. "I don't even think he is clever enough to convince the Dark Lord he is on their side."

"But you think he is clever enough to fool Dumbledore? Think about it, Sirius, why would Dumbledore trust Snape when there is so much evidence to the contrary? He must know something that we don't."

"Like what?"

"I don't know, but it's something. Snape once told me that he paid greatly to gain Dumbledore's forgiveness." Remus sat down beside Sirius and put his arms around him. "You have to trust someone, Sirius. You don't always have all the answers."

Sirius sighed and leaned his head against Remus. "I trust you," he said.

"Sometimes I wonder if that's true," Remus said. Sirius wanted to assure him that it was, but he thought of Tonks and his suspicion that Remus had lied about sexual fantasizing about her, so he didn't answer.

"Let's go," Remus said, standing up. "This room smells like an Old Hippogriff!"

For the first time Sirius laughed. "There's a reason for that!"

As he walked from his mother's old bedroom with Remus, Sirius wondered how different he was than Buckbeak. They were both trapped inside, prisoners escaping an undeserved fate. He could feel himself getting old and rank in this ancient, musty house, just as he could see the Hippogriff was. Remus did his best to make Sirius feel young again, his hands running along Sirius' body as if it were the first time they touched, his mouth searching Sirius' as if he were unsure of what he would find there. He gave himself to Sirius like a gift and Sirius took him, experiencing the pleasure that was expected, yet new every single time. But afterwards, in the glow of intense physical love, Sirius thought back to the magical creature sleeping in the room below him. Even in Remus' arms, would he ever be able to find that kind of peace?

He opened his eyes and it was morning. Remus stood in front of the window buttoning his shirt. Sirius had watched this ritual so many times, that it was comforting in its regularity. Remus tucked the shirt tails into his trousers and reached for his jumper. He pulled it over his head then straightened his mussed, graying hair with his fingers. Beyond him the sky was dull and the rooftops, which seemed to go on forever through out the vast city of London, were blanketed white with snow. Remus turned to reach for his robe and caught Sirius' eye. "Good morning," he smiled.

"Good morning," Sirius smiled back. "Where are you headed?"

"Downstairs to make tea. Will you join me for breakfast?" Remus asked as he buttoned his robe.

Sirius sat up and ran his fingers through his tangled black mane. "I'll get dressed and meet you in the kitchen."

When he arrived in the kitchen, the toast and tea had already been prepared. The two men sat down at the table and Sirius sensed a bit of tension in Remus' manner. At first he thought that it must be because they had returned to the same room where Snape had taunted him the night before and he wondered if they would every get past his outburst. But before he could say anything Remus cleared his throat.

"I didn't get a chance to tell you last night," he began, stirring sugar into his teacup. "But I've been sent on another mission."

Sirius felt the news as a stab in his heart. "When?" he whispered.

"Today," Remus said, trying to sound normal, cheerful even. "If I leave right away, I should be back for Christmas."

"I see," Sirius answered. There had been times in his life when Sirius had wondered how much pain he could bear. When he saw the ruins of James Potter's house in Godric's Hollow had been one of those time and there had been many more during his years in Azkaban. More recently, he felt it again after he sent Harry off on the Hogwart's express and came back to the empty rooms of Grimmauld Place. Now, in the aftermath of yesterday's altercation, he felt useless and unwanted - the forgotten member of The Order of the Phoenix.

Remus must have noticed his dejected expression because he moved to Sirius side at once. "I'm sorry," he said. "I hate leaving you alone like this." He knelt down next to Sirius' chair and took his hand.

Sirius remembered how all nature seemed to disappear in Remus' absence and how great the temptation of Tonks' visits had preyed upon his mind and body. "Don't treat me like I'm fragile and pathetic!" he told Remus. "You'll be alone, too. Don't you think I worry about you?"

He watched as guilt flashed across Remus' face. "Well, actually," Remus began, "Dumbledore says that it is safer if we go in groups of two, so I will not be alone this time."

The guilt in Remus' voice spoke volumes and Sirius felt that he didn't need to ask the next question. "So who are you going with?"

"Tonks."

"I see," Sirius sniffed. "Well, I guess I don't have to worry about you then."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Remus sat back on his heels. His expression had changed from guilty compassion to defensive.

"You'll have someone to comfort you when you're lonely. I'm sure Tonks would be happy to oblige."

"Sirius, I love you. I want to be with you. Don't you believe me?"

"In theory, yes, but in practice..." he shrugged."I'm old enough to know that although the heart pleads, the flesh can not always abide."

"I love you with my heart and my flesh," Remus smiled. "Always. Don't doubt me." He rose and kissed Sirius on the lips. Sirius reluctantly accepted his kiss, but Remus was determined, kissing harder and more deeply. He tore open Sirius' robe and reached down, unlashing his belt, and freeing Sirius from his trousers. Sirius did not want to give in to Remus' touch, but his body had other ideas, responding as if it were the most intimate of moments.

"How can I prove to you what it is I feel?" Remus whispered, but the question was rhetorical. He had an idea. Sirius remained seated while Remus pushed his knees apart and kneeled there, bringing his mouth down, letting his tongue circle.

Despite the low ceiling and the imposing stone walls of the basement kitchen, Sirius felt open and exposed. The illicitness of the act only heightened his excitement. "Do you believe me?" Remus whispered, his breath raising the soft hairs of Sirius' belly. He didn't wait for a response before returning his mouth and tongue to where they both wanted to be.

"Yes," Sirius moaned. "I believe you." He felt his body relax. The pain and suspicion that has so recently clouded his mind cleared like fog on a sunny day, and he felt a deep sense of peace. Remus loved him and would remain true to him.

Remus' tongue continued - soft, growing faster, and then soft again. The irregular motion made Sirius nearly crazy with passion. "You need to move," he gasped. "or I'll..."

"I don't care," Remus whispered, his lips flicking lightly against Sirius' skin. "I want you to." Sirus didn't have the will, the desire, or the time to protest. He thrust his hips forward, challenging Remus' resolve, but Remus remained there, giving to Sirius a pleasure that lovers shared in secret. The chair's legs scraped against the stone floor, it's harsh grating sound matching the staccato of Sirius' ecstasy.

_To readers and reviewers: Thank you so much for sticking with this story and following Sirius' angst and doubt. In the next chapter, Harry and the Weasley's come for Christmas and Sirius learns something about his mother. Let me know what you think and if you have just given up on me :-(_


	9. Lost Souls

_Ghosts, talking portraits, and fantasy lovers!_

**9. Lost Souls **

A fierce December wind rattled the windows of Grimmauld Place as Sirius tried to sleep. The old wood creaked and the shutters banged, lending to the ancient dwelling a sense that it was haunted. Perhaps it was, Sirius thought. When he and Regulus left for school their mother, who had previously complained about their constant noise, felt lonely in the now silent house and took to holding seances in the hope that a ghost or two would chose to take up residence there. None never did, however. Ghosts are temperamental beings. Their inability to pass on to the next world is indicative of some unfinished business or sense of personal loss. They tend to remain in places where they can experience compassion or in places where they can watch others move on with the tasks that they had once undertaken. The ghosts that were summoned to Grimmauld Place could find neither within its walls.

But on this cold night Sirius thought not of ghosts but of his distant lover. He tried to imagine what Remus was doing on his mission and if he was keeping warm on this frigid night. He pictured Remus sitting huddled on the floor of a dark chamber, pulling his dark cloak closer to his body to ward off the wind. Remus pulled his knees up to his chest and breathed on his hands, rubbing them together. In his vision he saw Tonks walking over to Remus' side and taking a seat on the ground beside him. She moved in closer, allowing the warmth of her small body to mingle with his.

Sirius opened his eyes and stared up at the darkened ceiling. As hard as he tried to forget that Tonks had accompanied Remus on his journey, the image of her continually came to him whenever he thought of Remus. He knew in his heart that Remus would never be unfaithful to him, but still he felt a pang of jealousy remembered that they were together. He envied not only Remus' freedom, but also the fresh feeling one has when first encountering a potential new lover. He could see in her smile that Tonks fancied Remus. He saw her blush every time she said his name and watched how her eyes lit up when he entered a room. It was a long ago feeling that, like so many others, he longed to experience again. The secret, anticipatory quiver that ripples through the body when the object of one's desire appears.

Now he watched as Tonks and Remus huddled together in his imagination. Tonks' cheeks blushed and she looked downward, her long lashes hiding her sparkling, grey eyes. Her hair was short and the color of the full moon - a moon that Remus never would see. Remus turned and smiled at her. She looked up at him and in a moment that neither planned nor could stop, they kissed. Remus closed his eyes to block out the knowledge that he should not be doing this and they kissed again. She reached her hand behind his neck and pulled him closer to her. Remus embraced her as they continued to kiss like criminals hiding from the law. Sirius watched as Remus' fingers moved through her hair and down along her smooth cheek. He could feel how soft she was, how different from a man whose stubble, no matter how closely he shaved, could never achieve this petal-like quality. He moved his lips down her throat and she tipped her head back whispering his name, "Remus, Remus."

Sirius realized, to his own surprise, that he wanted the vision to continue. He wanted to watch as Remus expertly unbuttoned her robe as his tongue teased the sinew of her throat. He wanted to hear her moan softly as Remus' hands passionately tore away her t-shirt and he kissed the hollow between her breasts. Her bra was white and lacy, matching the color of her hair and Remus pushed straps down her pale shoulders. As he peeled away her clothes, the beauty of Tonks' body was revealed to Sirius. With Remus' imaginary fingers he felt himself touch her and heard her quickening breath as he did so.

But the breath Sirius heard was actually his own. He lay still for a moment and contemplated his next step. It had been a long time since he had sought solitary pleasure. In Azkaban it was well known that this would most certainly bring forth Dementors as they sensed the erotic thoughts of the prisoners. Since his escape he wanted to remain true to Remus and restrained from such actions. But now, the thoughts of Tonks and Remus so close in his mind, and his body poised and ready, he could not resist the temptation of following through.

Now he was in the chamber with them. Remus and Tonks stood embracing one another as he approached them. Remus broke away from her and they kissed one last time before he put his arms around Sirius and kissed him. Sirius could taste Tonks on Remus' lips, sweet and ripe mingling with the spicy, masculine taste of Remus. Remus' hands ran through his hair and Sirius' body quivered with his touch. Tonks gasped and they turned to her. She stood there naked, her body partially hidden by the robe she had picked up from the ground and held in front of her. She looked like a goddess from an old painting, white and modest, caught in the act of trying to hide her beauty from mortals. "Mother of Merlin," she exclaimed, her eyes full of wonder. They smiled at her and kissed again. Sirius heard the robe fall to the floor and she moved towards them.

In fantasy, love is easy. There is no jealousy; there are no rules; no one gets hurt. She helped them undress, her delicate hands brushing sensually against his skin, alternating with the warm, tender touch of Remus. He shivered as their kisses moved down his spine and their fingers moved along his stomach and hips. Soon it all began to blend for him. He smelled Tonk's fragrant hair while he tasted the briney sweat of Remus's skin. In one moment he saw himself making love to Tonks, her breasts close against him, but in the next he realized it was Remus in his arms moving erotically in rhythm with him. Masculine hardness melded with feminine softness and he wanted to have them both. It was a fantasy and he made love to Remus while while Tonks lay beneath him, her body opening to his. "Sirius," she whispered with a depth of passion that matched his own. "I love you both."

He called out as he released his love for both of them and heard their cries join his. It was only later, when he lay back in his damp and twisted sheets, that he realized it was the just howling wind that had accompanied him.

Sirius hoped that they would visit his bed the next night, but it did not happen. He fell asleep alone, only to be awoken hours later by an unexpected, yet familiar voice. "Orion!" she called. "Orion, where are you! It's so dark, my darling, and I am so afraid! Orion!"

Sirius groaned and pushed back the bedclothes. The light from the tip of his wand led his way down the many staircases on his way to the front hall. The curtain was pushed back from his mother's portrait and she looked out at him with eyes that were not crazed with hate, as they usually were, but soft with fear and confusion. "Orion," she said, calling him by his father's name. "I'm so happy to see you. Where am I? Why is it so cold?"

Sirius did not know how to answer her. She was not of her right mind, he realized. He looked back at her as her eyes darted around and came back to him with an expectant look. "I'm Sirius, Mother," he told her gently. "Father is gone."

"Of course," she nodded with slight embarrassment. "I remember now. He died and I felt my world leave me. It was harder than my own death." Then, with a look of clarity, she said happily, "Sirius, you've returned to us! I always knew you would!"

"Did you?" Sirius asked in a tone that was unexpected haughty. The portrait had been wicked to him since he arrived at Grimmauld Place and he was not yet willing to forgive her.

"You are like me, you know? We have great passion in our blood. We follow our hearts in the things we know to be true and we love with such a power that it hurts us some time. Have you felt that hurt, Sirius?"

Sirius thought back at once to the time after James' death, when his heart ached for the loss of his friend and fate of his godchild. He thought of his love for Remus, which could not be extinguished no matter how hard he had once tried. He thought of the pain he felt during the hours he spent alone in Grimmauld Place, unable to serve the Order in which he felt such great conviction. "Yes," he whispered. "I feel it."

"Good," she said. "Then you are alive. I am neither alive nor dead, for I cannot rest. Nor do I have the freedom of a ghost. I am doomed to sit here, watching this empty house where there was once so much life. And when people do come, I do not know them and I cannot understand what they say. I shout epitaphs and insults, because I am confused. I ended my days in the same way - a broken old woman." She sighed. "Sometimes I am lucid and it fills me with shame to realize what I say when I am not well. Oh Sirius, I'm so tired. Will you stay with me for awhile?"

"Yes, Mother," Sirius replied, suddenly feeling compassion for this senile, old woman who had once been his mother. "I'll stay." He sat down in the darkened hallway with his legs crossed and his back against the wall staring up at the portrait as his mother's eyes closed and her breath grew regular. He worried that he would end up like her and he prayed that his passion would not turn to anger and he would not be condemned, like she was, to watch a world in which he had no part and didn't comprehend.

The days passed with uneventful regularity. Outside the grimy windows, Sirius watched as the days grew darker and he knew Christmas was approaching. Since it was unsafe to contact anyone at Hogwarts, Sirius wondered what Harry's plan were for the holiday and if anyone remembered that he had a godfather and that godfather would very much like to see him. Everyday he wandered the echoing rooms of Grimmauld Place wondering if Dumbledore would materialize to call a meeting of the Order and break his empty monotony, but the days ended in solitary disappointment. Firewhiskey was consumed alone and Sirius would take the long walk to his bedroom, hoping that the next day would be different.

He emptied the bottle and sighed. It was probably a good thing that the Firewhiskey had been finished, but he would miss the numbing effects of the alcohol. He climbed the stairs from the basement kitchen, leaving behind his dirty dishes for Kreacher to clean. In the front hallway he said goodnight to his mother. The curtains snapped back and she began shouting at him once again. The lucidity of that one night had not returned and he closed the curtain with his wand, stifling her rage. He continued up to his bedroom and slid under the sheets, thinking of Remus as he let sleep overtake him.

It seemed to Sirus that he had only been asleep for a few minutes before another portrait woke him. "Sirius! Sirius Black!" the man's voice called. "Come here! I have an urgent message for you from Professor Dumbledore!"

This time Sirius did not need his wand. He sprinted down the stairs to the room that Harry had shared with Ron when he visited the previous summer. Phineas Nigellus Black was in his portrait looking over his nose at his great, great grandson. "What is it?" Sirius said, out of breath.

"Be prepared to welcome Harry Potter and the Weasley children. Professor Dumbledore is sending them here."

"When?" Sirius asked, his heart pounding with joy.

"Now!"

_Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! For continuing to read and review. I was asked if Remus actually feels something for Tonks, or if it is all in Sirius' mind. What do you think? For Sirius, it is a mystery. More about that Christmas in the next chapter and Sirius will once again face Snape._


	10. In the Eyes of a Moment

_Thanks again for waiting so long. This chapter takes place during "Christmas on the Closed Ward" and "Occulomency" in OOTP._

**10. In the Eyes of a Moment**

His voice was as joyful as the season and it rang loudly though the house. "See- Ree- Us!" He called, stretching out his lover's name so that the syllables dripped sensuously over his tongue. "See- Ree- Us!" Remus shouted again over the din from Mrs. Black's portrait and Sirius ran towards the front hallway to ensure that he didn't shout out anything more incriminating. Remus, Sirius realized, did not know that he had a house full of guests, including Harry.

"He's here, Remus," Sirius told him as he flew down the stairs. "He has come for Christmas!"

"You sound like the Angel Gabriel," Remus laughed as he reached out to embrace Sirius, but then he suddenly noticed that the House Elf Heads the lined the stairwell we decorated with Father Christmas hats and he stopped. "Harry's here?" He asked. Sirius nodded. "Well, what a wonderful surprise!"

Remus carried with him parcels that he had, at Sirius' request, purchased for Harry's Christmas gift. Prior to leaving, they had discussed that, if Harry spent Christmas with them, they would tell him everything. What they hadn't counted on was the terrible incident that had caused the Weasley Family to be staying at Grimmauld Place for the holiday. Sirius explained to Remus all that had happened in his absence as they walked up the stairs towards his room on the top floor. On the way they ran into one of the Weasley twins who was happy to see Remus and spent what seemed like an endless amount of time asking him about his most recent mission for the Order. While they talked, Remus' hand brushed imperceptively against Sirius' and Sirius wondered how long he could convincingly keep up this facade of platonic friendship.

Finally, the latch clicked shut on the bedroom door and their mouths met quickly and ravenously. They kissed furiously, making up for all the time they had spent apart. "I missed you," Remus whispered, pushing Sirius hard up against the wall.

The whole house seemed to shake behind his back and Sirius replied, "I love you." Like well-known dance steps, they undressed one another and Sirius brought Remus down onto the bed. Remus moved to get up, but Sirius pinned him down. "No, don't go."

"My wand is in my robe and we should probably lock the door and cast a muffling charm," Remus told him with a smile as he struggled to get up, "I'll be right back."

"I can't wait for that," Sirius moaned, continuing to hold Remus down. "No one will come up here. I assure you."

Remus laughed and kissed him. "Then if any underage wizards swing open the door and see something totally shocking, I'll blame you and your libido."

"Go ahead," Sirius whispered. "I don't care who knows how much I want you." He released his hold on Remus and allowed him to take control.

"At this moment, I don't care either," Remus murmured, as he moved over on to Sirius.

When it was over they lay warm and satisfied beside one another. Sirius rose up on one elbow and with his free hand he drew his fingers up and down Remus' exposed body. Remus closed his eyes and smiled. "That feels nice."

"Do you know which part of your body I like the best?" Sirius asked.

Remus' smile widened and he opened one eye. "I can guess."

"Well, I like that, too, but I like this spot right here the best," he said moving his fingers down the trail of soft hair from Remus' navel to rest his hand on Remus' lower abdomen, just above where the nest of dark curls began. He rose and kissed the soft skin there.

"Why right there?" Remus asked.

"Because to anyone else who would see this part of you, it would look like an ordinary belly, but to me it is the gateway to that special part of you that you share only with me. It guards the secret intimacies that we have shared and when I kiss you here on my way down to the other, more pleasurable areas it reminds me of the time long ago when we passed so seamlessly from being friends to being lovers." He kissed Remus' stomach, savoring his strong masculine scent and the warmth of his skin.

Remus rose up on one elbow to look at him, "Sirius," he said, looking deeply into the other's eyes. "There's something I want you to know." He looked so grave, that Sirius wondered if Remus was about to confess some sin. "Sometimes I feel that you..." Remus stopped as if unsure how to go on, but then he continued. "I wonder if you believe that, because we became lovers quite by accident that I could do the same with another."

Sirius thought of the fantasy he had indulged in when Remus had been away. He blushed as he recalled the vision of Tonks closing her eyes and whispering his name, her body nearly as white as the snow that fell around her. But he pushed that thought away and forced himself to laugh, "Of course not!" he snorted, but it was only a half-truth.

Remus reached his free hand up and stroked Sirius' hair. "Well, just in case you are inclined to wallow in self pity, or worry about being alone again, I just want you to know that I love you too much to even consider anyone else. I've never told you this before, but during those first days when we were together, even though I didn't know it then, I loved you. When you shared your body with me that first time it didn't seem awkward. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world because it was. It was never like that with another person, Sirius, and I know it will never be."

Although he knew Remus' words were meant to fill him with confidence, he felt only guilt. Sirius wished he could serender himself to the protective world of unconditional trust, but he still found it eluded him. He would always be jealous, wary of betrayal, not just from Remus, but from everyone. He had been betrayed to many times by his family, by Peter, by those he imprisoned him without trial, and even James - Sirius hated himself for even having the thought - betrayed him by trusting him too much. If James had only listened to Dumbledore then...

Sirius shook the thought from his mind. Remus lay before him, his eyes searching Sirius' eagerly for a sign of acceptance. "Remus," Sirius whispered, his breath touching the soft hairs on Remus' body that swayed with the syllables of his name. "Remus." The most powerful sentiments did not come easily to him. "I want to trust," he thought. "I need to trust you." The language of touch was silent, but meaningful and Sirius conveyed those thoughts with his body, in ways he never could with his voice.

In the midst of the holiday splendor and numerous guests Grimmauld Place was alive the way it once had been when Sirius was a boy. The days were loud and busy and Sirius could almost forget that the life he had once known - a life of freedom and happiness - would no longer be there for him when the holiday passed. The children offered endless entertainment and Harry and hand he had the opportunity to grow closer admist the confusion Harry's strange visions. At night, when the Weasleys, Harry, and Hermione had all retired to their respective rooms, Remus and he made love tenderly beneath a soft quilt while snow fell peacefully beyond the bedroom window. Although they had hoped to tell Harry the truth, the timing did not seem right and they agreed to keep their love a secret for a while longer. After all, there would be plenty of time in the new year.

On one of the last days before Harry left him, Severus Snape appeared at number twelve. Sirius and Remus were in the basement kitchen when Snape entered. "Lupin and Black, alone in the dark," Snape said. His voice feigned shock. "I hope I'm not interupting something cozy."

"Not at all," Remus replied, not allowing Snape's taunt to get to him. "We were just finishing up tea. Can I make you some, Severus." He smiled at Snape which only made the man scowl.

"No, thank you," Snape replied, looking away from Remus. "This is not a social call."

"Then why are you here?" Sirius demanded. Before Snape's arrival, Remus had been trying to cheer him up with some success, but seeing Snape and listening to his taunts, made him taciturn once again.

"Dumbledore sent me. I need to speak with Potter," he turned to look at both men, one at a time, and added. "Alone."

"Shall I get him for you?" Remus asked, rising to leave.

"It won't be necessary. Molly Weasley has that unpleasant task. But if you insist on doing me a favor, you can take your lover with you and spare me any additional time in his presence."

The comment was meant to incite Sirius' contempt, but his reaction was not what Snape had expected. In a split second, the moment in which he waited for Sirius to reach for his wand, or make some indecent retort, Snape watched as Sirius' eyes flashed towards Remus. He saw their eyes meet and read the understanding and mutual fear of discovery that was communicated in the quick glance. He knew that look. He remembered when he was young and the other boys were teasing him about a certain girl. He remembered how it felt when he denied his feelings out loud at the same time as his eyes met hers and his breath froze with the fear of the truth being found out. He remember those sames eyes when they looked at another with the conspiracy of a love she at first had tried to fight, but eventually she succumbed to the charms of the one who could never love her as he did. His heart fluttered, not only with the memory that was still so hurtful, but with the realization that love, even love which was as seemed unlikely as his own, existed in the souls of men as damaged as he was. He followed Remus' gaze as it turned back to him and saw in the amber eyes a look that begged, "please Severus, don't."

But the moment was over as quickly as if it had been imagined. Remus laughed. "I'll leave you, but Sirius makes his own decisions." He nodded to them both and walked up the stairs.

"And I chose to stay," Sirius challenged angrily. "What is it that Dumbledore wants you to discuss with Harry?"

"I'm not sure I'm at liberty to tell you," Snape sniffed. On the surface, Snape's attitude toward Sirius had not changed, but still Sirius could sense a difference in the air around them. Did he know, Sirius wondered? The idea that Snape could have even the most remote idea about the intimacies of his personal affairs gnawed painfully at Sirius and he continued to challenge Snape throughout their meeting with Harry, prodding Snape to fight back, begging him to hate without reason. After all, what could Snape possibly know about love, Sirius asked himself, as their conversation grew more and more acrimonious? Sure, there was a time when they were all certain that Snape fancied Lily, but that was long ago. How could he even guess at the depth of his feelings for Remus? And could he who had never known true love ever understand that sex was more than just a torrid fantasy? He imagined how Snape would think of Remus and he together and it looked dirty through the other man's eyes. He reached for his wand and would have used it if Arthur Weasley had not come triumphantly through the kitchen door.

_Reviews are encouraged :-)_


	11. The Violet Night

_I don't own these characters, but I play mercilessly with their hearts._

**11. The Violet Night**

Christmas drifted into the past, leaving winter with its dark, bleak days and long, cold nights. The Order of the Phoenix met occassionaly, but the lack of any new information or success in their long, dangerous missions only lead to dispair, which they all tried to hide from one another, with varying success. Even Mundungus was no longer quick with a joke and in his face the others could see that he sincerely cared about their cause, but was struggling to maintain hope. In the long, endless days between these sparse meetings, Sirius would wander through Grimmauld Place in the hope that something would change or that some solution would come to him that would save them all from Voldemort's gathering storm. These contemplations would ultimimately bring him to his bedroom window where he would stare out onto the landscape of charcoal colored rooftops and black cylindrical chimneys from which grey smoke billowed against the dull sky. Below him the snow had faded from its former brightness as it mixed with soot and mud, melting, refreezing, and melting again.

In those long hours of solitude, Sirius worried about Harry. Dumbledore had been giving regular reports on the deterioration of conditions at Hogwarts and it seemed ironic to all that, not only did they need to fear the growing power of the Dark Lord, but the grasping and desparate policies of the Ministry. The similarities between these times and the days of the war against the Voldemort were glaringly apparent to Sirius and he wished, as he always did, that James was once again by his side. James, Sirius told himself, would have discovered some loophole, some way of getting Dumbledore to agree to let Sirius out of hiding. This idea comforted him until he realized that James had died staying within the confines of his own home. "Don't let me die here!" Sirius called out to the Gods, but his words just bounced off the old walls and echoed back at him.

Remus left for another mission right after the new year began and he was yet to return. Sirius knew that Remus could not risk sending an owl to keep Sirius appraised of his progress, but still each day Sirius hoped for some sign. As time passed, Sirius tried to return in his memory to those inimate moments that they had shared at Christmas, and remember the words of love they had spoken but the passion that had once filled him, seemed to have faded away with his good cheer. The long nights had taken their toll on his heart, and he longed to feel alive again as he had in Remus' arms. The winter months in Grimmauld Place were like a bad dream to him - dark, haunted, and full of dispair - and Sirius longed to be reawaken to the love and hopefulness he had felt at Christmas.

Dusk fell beyond the dirty windows of the library, turning the dull grey sky to a weak violet before it darkened to black. Sirius lit the candles with his wand, poured firewhiskey into a crystal glass and scanned the many books on the Dark Arts that lined the floor-to-ceiling bookcases. He chose a book, sat down in one of the leather armchairs and flipped through the pages, hoping to find something that could alert him to Voldemort's plan for Harry and some way to avoid it. Although Sirius openly distained his parents' collection of books, this was not the first time he had used it. Long ago he and James had spent hours in this room investigating how to become Animagi and then, a few years later, they used a text they found here to create the Maurader's Map. He sipped his whiskey and was silently grateful to Remus who, months ago, had prevented him from burning all the books. He remembered the fiery eyes of the wolf inside Remus when Sirius pinned him against the bookcase, kissing him with a passion, burning with anger and fear. He turned back to the book and tried to concentrate.

Sirius did not know how much time had passed when he heard the distinctive sounds of the front door beginning to unlock. The first bolt scraped open, and then the next. Sirius put down his book and, with his wand in hand, headed stealthly down the stairs. He reached the landing as the door slowly opened and the slight intruder stepped softly inside. Sirius heard a whispered incantation and the tip of the intruder's wand lit the front hallway in its bluish glow. The visitor's face was obscured by a hooded cloak. Sirius held out his wand and was just about to demand that this unknown person show himself, when the cloaked figure moved forward, tripped inexplicably, and crashed into the wall. Mrs. Black's portrait began to shout the usual obscenities as the intruder pulled back the cloak's hood and yelled, "Bloody Hell!"

Sirius tipped his head backward and began to laugh as he walked down the stairs to help his guest. "Hello Tonks," he said as he held his hand out for her to grab.

She took his hand and pulled herself to standing. "Oh, shut up!" she said to the portrait as she flicked her wand and the curtains closed, silencing it. She turned her face to Sirius and smiled, "I'm sorry about that. I hate to always be making such an entrance. I tried to be quiet, but..." she shrugged.

"Good thing you weren't too quiet or I would have mistaken you for the Dark Lord himself and then I could have..." he pantomined a killing curse with his wand and her eyebrows rose in mock horror. Sirius felt his mood brighten immensely. "Would you like to come upstairs and have a drink?" he asked hopefully.

"Yes, definately," she laughed and headed up the stairs, following him in to the library. When they got to the library, Tonks peered around the room at the book-lined walls. "Wow!" she exclaimed. "This is quite an impressive collection."

"Don't say that until you have read the titles," Sirius teased as he poured a glass of firewhiskey for her and brought it to where she stood, book in hand. Today her hair was long and dark violet, almost black,with a short fringe upon her brow.

"'Undetectable Killing Curses', 'A Muggle-hunter's Guide to Britain', 'The Poisoner's Herbology.' Well, this is an interesting collection, Sirius," Tonks said sacastically as she took the glass he offered her. "I guess my mum wasn't exagerating when she told me the kind of people her family was.

Sirius shook his head. "No, she was not. Truth, in this case, is stranger than fiction."

"So tell me," Tonks asked as she walked away from the bookcase and sat down in a shabby, although once grand, armchair, "How come you didn't end up like them?"

"Well, I like to say it is because they were wrong and I had the sense to realize that at a young age," Sirius said as he took a seat across from her.

"And is that the truth, then?"

Sirius laughed and knocked back the remains of his whiskey. "No. The cold, sad truth is that I was a rebellious child. Probably no different than any other, except for the fact that I grew up being told that I had to be someone - a specific type of person. We Blacks were brought up to believe that we were royalty within the magical community and with that came a great duty to follow certain beliefs and behave in carefully prescribed ways. I didn't like to be told what to do, so I purposely followed another path." Sirius rose from his chair and walked across the room to pour another drink. He turned back to look at Tonks who gazed at him without saying anything. Her face was engaging, yet unreadable. "Aren't you glad I picked the right side in my rebellion?"

Tonk stood up and lifted her glass, "To you, Sirius," she toasted, "for making the best choice." She swallowed her Firewhiskey and walked towards him to pour another. "It's strange how much we are alike, don't you think?"

"How so?" Sirius asked. "You didn't grow up with all this." He gestured to the towering books that surrounded them.

"Not at all," Tonks agreed, "I grew up in a safe, quiet home, yet I yearned for a life of danger and excitement. My mother tried to discourage me from becoming an Auror. She told me that she knew more about Dark Arts practitioners than the Ministry of Magic and the Department of Aurors was completely ineffectual against them, but I didn't listen. In fact, I became more determined." She sighed. "But I'm feeling pretty ineffectual these days."

"We all are," Sirius told her, placing his arm on her shoulder. He felt the warmth of her body through her robe and a familiar twinge ran through him. She leaned into him and her hair brushed against his cheek. Inside himself, Sirius felt the youth reawaken as if she were the Earth Goddess, bringing to winter the fertility of spring. He knew that, as a rational man, he should move away from her and the tempation she engendered in him. She was his cousin and he was in love with another; but his soul and body were starved for this morsel of compassion, so he allowed her to remain in his grasp, and pulled her closer. She did not resist and instead placed her arms around him and hugged him.

They embraced silently, lost in their own thoughts, savouring the warm familiarity of the other. To Sirius, she felt like hope. In Tonks he saw what he had lost - his family, his cousins, women, youthful rebellion, and carefree love - but in her touch he felt those lost joys return. He did not know what she felt when she held him so he waited for her to speak. "How will it end, Sirius?" she sighed, her face buried in his chest. She was asking about Voldemort, but to Sirius she could have meant the blossoming feelings he had for her, but knew she felt only for Remus; a triangle of passion that, unlike his fantasy, would only lead to pain if it continued. Or she could have meant this unforseen embrace which seemed to grow stronger as the moments passed.

"I don't know," he responded truthfully, losening his grasp on her to see if she remained in his arms. She did for a moment and then moved away.

Her hair had mussed when they hugged and she pushed the purple strands out of her eyes to look at him. "I don't suppose you've heard from Remus, have you?" she asked.

"No, nothing." Sirius turned away and returned to his leather armchair. "Do you hear anything in the Auror Department."

Tonks shook her head sadly. "He's been gone so long and it worries me. When I was with him on the last mission at least I knew he was alright." She sighed in dispair and Sirius could see in her eyes how much she cared for Remus. He knew that one day soon she would learn the truth about Remus and him, and it pained him to know how much it would hurt her.

"Remus has been taking care of himself a lot longer than either you or I, so I'm sure he's fine. He's not as fragile as his affliction leads one to believe," Sirius reassured her.

"I don't think he's fragile at all," Tonks corrected him quickly. "It's just..." she blushed, unwilling to finish her sentence. "Anyhow," she continued, "It's late and I should be going. Thanks for the company."

"Anytime," Sirius smiled as he rose to walk her to the door. They moved quietly down the staircase and, when they reached the front foyer, he helped her on with her winter cloak so that she would not crash into anything and once again awaken the portrait.

She opened the front door a sliver and pointed her wand through the crack. "Nox," she whispered and the streetlights extinguished leaving the street outside in total darkness. She turned around to face Sirius. "Good night," she said softly as she kissed his cheek.

"Good night," Sirius replied, returning her kiss and backing away from the open door.

"Wait!" Tonk exclaimed suddenly, reaching out to grab his arm. "Come here." She pulled him back towards her. Sirius let himself follow her lead and her hand drifted down to hold his. With her other hand she pushed the door open. "Are you willing to take a risk?" she asked him and even in the darkness he could see the rebellious twinkle in her eyes.

He smiled back at her. "Always," he said. Holding hands, they stepped out into the night. Fresh, cold air filled Sirius' lungs for the first time and it rejuvenated him like a healing potion. The sky was moonless and the stars glowed faintly against a sky that was violet-black, the color of Tonk's hair. He had forgotten how beautiful a winter night could be with its chilly simplicity. He walked into the street, one hand held up towards the heaven and the other still grasping hers.

"Are you cold?" she asked him.

"Yes," he replied, grinning widely. "and it's wonderful!" He pulled Tonks to him and looked into her eyes. In Remus' eyes he always saw a deep, smoldering love that had been built upon many sorrows. In her eyes he saw sunlight and laughter: a joyful future he did not yet know, and a past he only half-remembered. He placed his free hand, the one which was not holding hers, on her waist and spun her around in a dance. They laughed and waltzed together in the darkness, invisible to the Muggle neighbors who peered out their windows, wondering from where the commotion came. When they had finished dancing she leaned into his chest and he held her once again.

"I love you," Sirius said, the words leaving his mouth before he even knew them in his heart. The spontaneity of his action surprised and embarrassed him. He had only declared love once before and he had loved Remus in silence for many years before he did so. He breath slowed as he waited for Tonk's reaction.

"I love you, too," she replied, turning her face to him and smiling upward. "We are cousins. The Black family was broken and we shall make it whole again." She kissed him then and walked him back into the house.

_Thank you Malianani, ShinyObjects, Lollytron, and BeautyoftheRain. Thank you to everyone who reads this and especially those who choose to review._


	12. Reunions

_The title of this story "Ashes of the Phoenix" is a play on the book it follows "Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix," but it is also supposed to reflect how good things are often born from tragedy. In this chapter, the ashes of the Black family that surround Sirius everyday have given birth to his new relationship with his cousin, Tonks. Sirius is confused about the nature of his feelings for her, but it will all make sense in the end, I promise. If you've read The Secret Keepers you'll know what I mean._

**12. Reunions **

Spring began her quiet approach, slowly seducing winter with her soft, warm breath and kisses of birdsong and sunlight until he release his icy grip on the world. On a night in early spring, on the eve of the full moon Remus returned to Grimmauld Place. Sirius heard the heavy front door open with difficulty and came into the foyer just in time to see Remus close the door and collapse against it with exhaustion.

"Remus!" he exclaimed with pleasure. "I'm so glad your back."

Still out of breath from the exertion of opening and closing the door, Remus could not speak. Instead he stared at Sirius, his eyes glowing with the change that would be soon upon him. Sirius embraced his lover and held him while Remus slowly regained strength. "I'm sorry," Remus whispered with difficulty. "I wanted this reunion to be..."

"It will be," Sirius assured him. "But we will wait until you are well. Do you have the Wolfbane potion?" he asked. Remus nodded and pulled a small caldron from his robes. "Good," Sirisu said. "Now we will get you to bed and you can sleep until the moon wanes. He helped Remus make his way slowly up the many flights of stairs until they reached the bedroom. He assisted as Remus got undressed and climbed under the quilt into their bed.

Remus closed his eyes and Sirius sat on the bed, watching as his friend slept. After a time, he rose to leave the room and was shocked as he felt Remus reach out to him. Remus' fingers were cold as they gripped Sirius with all Remus' remaining strength. "I love you," he said weakly, struggling against the powerful need for sleep.

"And I love you," Sirius told him, placing a kiss on his burning forehead.

* * *

"Sirius!" Tonks shouted as she entered the foyer. "Is it true? Is Remus really back?" Walburga Black's portrait woke up and began making dirisive comments about Tonk's parentage, but in her current state she ignored the shrieks and waited for Sirius to reply.

"Yes," Sirius whispered to her as he pointed his wand towards the portrait and closed the curtains. "He has returned." Fearful that Tonks would have another outburst, he lead her away from the portrait, up the stairs and into the sitting room.

"Where is he?" Tonks asked looking around the empty room. She turned to Sirius, with eyes full of fear. "He isn't hurt, is he? Is there anything wrong?"

Sirius laughed reassuringly. "No, no, everything if fine, but, well, the full moon..."

"Oh, of course," Tonks cut across, blushing with embarrassment. "I forgot. I was just so excited to see him that I didn't even think." She turned her face away from him coyly, and it amused him to see her like this. "So how long does it take for him to... recover?"

"Not long, a few days at most."

Tonks sighed and dropped to sit on the sofa. She pushed her lips together to form a straight line as if she was contemplating what to do in order to make the wait go by faster. "I see," she said finally. "When he arrived last night did he say anything? Did he ask..." her voice trailed off, as if she were unsure if she should continue her question.

Sirius shook his head. "He was too weak," he told her. "He could barely make it up the stairs to bed. He said next to nothing, except..." and Sirius recalled how Remus had reached out to him, saying the only thing he could, the only thing that truly mattered. "... except to ask for help in taking the potion," Sirius lied.

Tonks was silent for a few minutes, lost in her own thoughts, but then she looked up at Sirius and sighed again. "I suppose, after all this time away, I can wait a few more days. I was just so hopeful for good news. Some days it feels like nothing will ever go our way." She stood up from the sofa and walked over to him. "Thank you, Sirius," she said, and she hugged him, lying her head on his chest.

"For what?" he asked as he reached up to stroke her short, spikey, pink hair. It was softer than he thought it would be. From far away her hair seemed to have sustance, as if it were hardened by gel, but touching it he realized she must have charmed it into shape.

"For being here," she sighed.

"Where am I going to go?" he laughed. "I'm stuck here, remember?"

"I didn't mean that," she scolded, pulling back so he could look into her eyes. Her eyes were so much like his and everytime peered into them like this he felt as if he could see into himself. The effect was mesmerizing, and as soon as he tried to focus on the one thing he wished to discover inside those grey pools, it seemed to slip away just beyond his reach, remaining forever a mystery. Her hands that rested on his arms suddenly gripped him more tightly. "What I meant was is that The Order of the Phoenix is a lonely place. Yes, I know we are all in it together, but sometimes I feel as if every one of the members is hiding some secret, some tragedy, that they aren't sharing: a private reason for being involved in this dangerous plan. And it is those secrets that keep us from truly coming together as a force."

Sirius was struck by her observations. He thought back to his conversation with Remus about Snape and how there was some mysterious reason as to why he abandon the Dark Lord to work as Dumbledore's spy. Dumbledore's past was known by only a few and even fewer knew the true pain of lost love that his actions had caused him. Remus, of course, had kept secrets his whole life, the secret of the wolf inside him and the secret of his intimate connection to Sirius. Sirius lived with his own pains, sadness, and hidden love.

"Do you think I'm foolish?" Tonks asked, breaking his revelry.

"No, you may be right. But I still don't know why you thanked me."

"Because within that lonely group we call The Order, I have you and so I am never lonely."

Sirius snorted, unwilling to accept her compliment. "I have my share of personal tragedy, as you know."

"Yes, but I know about James and Lily, the years you spent in Azkaban, and the ashes of the family that used to inhabit this house. Your history is my history, because we are of the same blood. And now you have Harry who everyone can tell brings you so much joy, and then there is Remus..." Tonks stopped before she elaborated on how Remus fit into the picture she painted for Sirius - a picture in which they stood together, strong, with Remus and Harry by their sides. "Don't you see, these things make us different than eveyone else and not as sad."

Sirius pulled her wordlessly into him and embraced her. Like Remus she saw the good in him, she looked beyond the despairing man, and to see a soul full of love. For a moment Sirius wondered if the fleeting glimpse of knowledge he saw when he looked in her eyes was in fact her soul, or the reflection of his own. As he held her he realised that her feelings for Remus, feelings she had never expressed but were obvious to him, made him feel closer to her because they echoed his own. Most loves inspire jealousy of a rival, but for Tonks he only felt a kindred spirit.

She wrapped her arms around him more tightly and he kissed the top of her head, ever so lightly that he wondered if she even felt it. "There are more secrets than you know," he thought to himself. "Secrets that are bound to tear apart this fledgling family, this love we now share. Hold me while it lasts, because it won't be here forever."

* * *

The full moon waned and Sirius kept a vigil by the side of his bed until he saw Remus' eyes open and light of recognition shine upon his ashen face. "Hello," Sirius said. "Welcome back."

It had been a long time. "I'm sorry I don't have more strength right now," Remus told him as Sirius lay beside him, kissing his neck and running his fingers though the short strands of hair which stood on end after his long sleep. "I know you like ..."

"Shh," Sirius interupted, hushing his fear of inadequacy. "It doesn't have to be that way, at least not this time. You've been gone so long, it could be different. We could pretend it was the first time and be gentle, tentative, tender. We could imagine that each touch was a new sensation, every kiss an unexplored country."

And so it went. Like virgins, they reached out softly to one another, expecting the unexpected. As he made love to Remus, Sirius wondered if it could ever truly be this way for him again or if age had dulled the intigue of sex. Would a new lover be just like the old one? In bed, was a person really no more than a body of parts, or did the soul make the way one made love unique? He felt Remus's fingers shyly exploring him and he thought of how he had danced with Tonks on that winter night, how he held her in the sitting room and kissed her fragrant, pink hair. He pulled Remus closer. Placing his lips in Remus' hair, he whispered, "I love you."

* * *

He left Tonks alone when she came to Grimmauld Place for her long awaited reunion with Remus. He remained upstairs as he heard the two laughing voices descend into the basement kitchen. He would have joined them, but he knew that if he watched them together jealousy would rise within him like the wolf at full moon. The reality that Remus could want her the way she wanted him would ruin the love Sirius had in his heart for both of them and he didn't want to risk losing that. For now, he wanted to be like Tonks, blissful in her ignorance of a love that existed, yet invisible to all.

Eventually he heard Tonks leave. She whistled cheerfully on her way out, and Sirius smiled to himself thinking of how beautiful she was when she was happy. He waited for Remus to join him, but he remained longer than expected in the kitchen. Sirius was about to join him when he heard Remus bounding up the stairs and an uncharacteristically fast pace. "Sirius," he called. "It's Harry! He's in the fireplace waiting for you!"

_Thank you Shiny Object, Prfm, Malianani, Lily Louisea, Lollytron, Desiesjo for the great reviews. Thank you AstheWorldTurns and HiddenintheShadows32 for your Favorite Story designations. Thanks to everyone who reads without reviewing, too. Somedays when I feel discouraged, just knowing people read this makes me happy :-)_


	13. Truth's Pain and Joy

_This chapter follows where the last one left off. The letters that Sirius talks about writing are the basis of The Secret Keepers._

**13. ****Truth's Pain and Joy**

Harry left the fire with a pop and Sirius and Remus remained there, lying on the hearth, watching the last of the flickering flame in stunned silence, both reliving the day that Harry had witnessed in Snape's Penseive.

"I guess I never realized that he didn't know," Remus said finally. "I mean, when I was his teacher, I never spoke to him about his dad because I didn't want to remember. I was afraid of bringing back the pain and emptiness that existed when he left us. What I didn't realize is then was that Harry had no frame of reference. He doesn't really know anything about James."

Sirius shook his head. "I should have realized that, too. During those weeks he spent with us I struggled to find things to talk about with him. You know I'm not good with kids, but it never ocurred to me to just tell stories about James. He would have enjoyed that. And I could have given him a balanced picture, the good with the bad, so he is not left with that image from Snape."

"You have time," Remus said, reassuringly. "They'll be plenty of time this summer."

"I want to do it now," Sirius groaned impatiently, searching the coals before him. "Maybe he will come back."

"I'm not so sure," Remus replied, doubtfully looking deeply into the flame for a sign of Harry. "From what we hear, security is pretty tight there and he must have taken a risk to talk to us."

Sirius continued to stare hopefully at the fire, but nothing changed so he lifted himself off the floor to standing. "Then I will write to him. I will take all of my memories of James and write them on parchment to send to him."

Remus got up from the hearth. "That's not such a good idea. Mail is being read..."

"Then I will charm it like the Marauder's Map," Sirius cut across. "Or if that will bring too much suspicion upon Harry, then I will hold the letters until things improve. In any case, it will give me something to do and it is always pleasant to remember those happier times."

"Happier for us, perhaps, but not so for Snape," Remus pointed out. "Poor bloke must have been horribly embarrassed to have had Harry see how James humiliated him." Remus shook his head. "I know you will say he deserved it for being such a prat, but I've been tormented for most of my life and I know how it feels. Nothing really justifies it."

"It's still no excuse for stopping Harry's Occumency lessons," Siriius sniffed. "Dumbledore insists that they are important for Harry's safety. If anything should happen to Harry because Snape..."

Remus placed his hand on Sirius' shoulder and interupted him, "I said I will talk with him. I just want to give it some time first, let the sting of the humiliation wear away a bit. The request will be better coming from me, don't you think?"

Sirius reluctantly agreed. In the weeks that followed he occupied himself by recounting on parchment his recollections of James and their years together at Hogwarts. He charmed the letters so that only Harry could read them and placed each completed letter in a portfolio. He was in the library working on this task when Snape arrived to meet with Remus. He had promised Remus that he would not approach Snape, so as not to risk inciting yet another argument between the two men that might cause Snape to disregard Remus' plea. While he could not be in the room with them, Sirius did have a way to find out what was being said between Remus and Snape. As a child, Sirius' cousins had taught him a spell that would allow them to listen in on his parents' private conversations, no matter which room they were in. With a flick of his wand, he utilized this spell once again and was able to overhear everything that Remus was saying to Snape in the basement kitchen.

"Thank you for coming, Severus. Will you have a seat?" Remus said in a very gracious tone. Sirius heard two chairs scrape on the floor and imagined the two men sitting down before the old wooden table. Snape said nothing and Remus continued. "The reason I wanted to see you, Severus, is that we heard from Harry a few weeks ago and I understand you are no longer teaching him Occumency. I wish you would reconsider that decision based on what we know about the Dark Lord and his connection to Harry."

"Really?" Snape asked Remus in a haughty tone. "And what does Black think about that? I thought he wanted me no where near Potter."

"That's not relevant, Severus," Remus replied, his tone becoming more serious. "Dumbledore asked you to do it for Harry's safety, so you must continue."

Snape ignored him and contined. "By the way, where is Black today? He shouldn't be afraid to swallow his pride in front of me, as I'm sure he's been swallowing a lot since he's been hiding here in Mummy's house."

Sirius clenched his fists and stood, breathing hard to restrain himself from bursting into the kitchen to face Snape himself. He heard Remus clear his throat. "You know, those jokes are inappropriate. I'd appreciate it if you at least used another line of insults."

There was an uneasy silence and Sirius wondered what was going on. "I'm sorry, Lupin," Snape said finally. His tone was concilliatory. "I wasn't trying to imply...I mean, I didn't know..the last time I was here I suspected, but...and if I had really thought it were true, I wouldn't have...not even to hurt Black. I really had no idea that you...I don't..." Snape paused and pulled himself together. "You are right, such comments are inappropriate and I'm sorry for having made them in the past. It's your business who you..."

"Severus..." Remus began, halting the other man's stammered apology. "This is not something I care to discuss further." Sirius could hear a hint of discomfort in Remus' voice. "Not with anyone, it's...private. But the matter of Harry and his lessons are of utmost importance to me. I need to ask you to..."

"I can't," Snape cut across, his voice small and reedy. "I know I should have moved past those childhood humiliations a long time ago, but I can't. I see so much of his father in the boy and when I look at him all I can see is everything he did to me, everything he took from me, and despite all my efforts to grow beyond that, I can't. Please, Lupin, try to understand. I've tried to rebuild my life, but even from the grave James Potter haunts me, taunting me with the eyes of his child, eyes that every day signal his victory."

"James is dead. That's hardly a victory." Remus replied. Like Sirius, he was confused by what Severus meant when he said that Harry's eyes taunted him.

"I'm sorry, Lupin," Snape said. "I can't help you in this." Sirius heard the chair scape and Snape's quick steps as he ran from the room and up the stairs.

When he heard the front door slam, Sirius went down to the kitchen where Remus sat looking defeated. Remus turned to Sirius. "He said no."

"I heard." He expected Remus to ask how that was possible, but he did not.

"I imagine you heard everything then." Remus looked up at him.

"You could have told him that he was wrong."

Remus shrugged. "Why bother? Everyone will know soon enough. If things were different, then we could have spent more time alone with Harry and it would have been out in the open already."

"But it's not!" Sirius shouted. He wasn't angry at Remus as much as angry at his situation, angry that he was hiding his love, hiding from the world, while Snape walked away knowing their secret, something he hadn't been able to tell Harry, or even Tonks. "Things aren't the way we wanted them to be and now Snape knows! I can't STAND the thoughts that must be running through his head right now. I wonder who he will tell first - Lucius Malfoy or my dear cousin Bellatrix. Or perhaps he'll lord it over Harry. In any case, I'll bet he's happy knowing that we are the worst type of perverts!"

"Don't say that! We shag because it's great between us, because we enjoy it, because the world seem less bleak when we join our bodies, and, most of all because we are in love; not because we are unnatural, unhealthy, or sinful. At least, it's that way for me. Now I'm wondering if YOU consider us as you accuse Snape of viewing our liaison!" Remus shot back angrily.

"Of course not!" Siriius argued, unconvincingly. He was too angry to sound sincere. "But Snape undoubtably twist things to make it seem criminal and obscene!

"That makes absolutely no sense!" Remus challenged him. "What we have is sacred. He wouldn't..."

"But you don't know that, do you?" Sirius cut across. His tone was venomous. "You trusted him with your secret and he was happy to share THAT with all the students at Hogwarts!"

"But he has told no one about your whereabouts, has he? Look, Sirius, I don't want to..." but Remus' last words were lost to the distant sound of Mrs. Black's portrait shouting out her usual disparaging remarks. Remus held up his hand to quiet Sirius. He pulled the wand from his pocket and said. "I'll see who it is. I think we need a break from one another, anyway."

Remus went swiftly up the stairs. Within moments Sirius heard the lilting tones of Tonks and the sound of the front door closing once again. "Let's get out of here," he imagined Remus saying. "Sirius is in one of his moods and I can't stand to be around him another minute!"

* * *

It was late when they entered the house together. Sirius heard them from where he sat, feeding rats to Buckbeak in his mother's old bedroom. Remus' voice was animated, as if telling a funny anecdote. Tonk's laughter was too loud, piercing the air of the otherwise silent house. Even from where he sat on the floor above them, Sirius could tell she was being flirtatious. Predictably, his mother awoke and began shouting at them. She stopped quickly and Sirius imagined Remus putting his wand away and smiling at Tonks as he led her silently down the hall, their shoulders touching and their heads bent together in conspiracy, as she had once walked with him.

He thought about the private jokes and secret moments that the two of them might share. What did she look like today? Was she an alluring beauty or was she youthfully reckless with her appearance? Did Remus ever comment about it to her? Did she change it to please him? Did the fresh air and spring sunlight fill him with desires that he didn't know he had? Desires that went beyond a man locked in a dank, musty house and whose most exciting daily activity was feeding rats to a Hippogriff. Buckbeak ate the last rat and Sirius stared straight ahead, wondering what to do next. With nothing better to do, he slowly walked down the stairs.

"Are you sure you can't stay?" Remus was asking Tonks. "I'm not a bad cook, am I, Sirius?"

"I'm not the right person to ask. I lived off rats for a good amount of time," he answered with a moody shrug.

They both laughed. Tonks said, "I was hoping I'd see you before I left, Sirius. Mum and Dad have insisted that I come for dinner tonight. I haven't seen them for awhile and they are making me feel guilty." She rolled her eyes and turned to Remus as if they had a common background, "It's always like that when you're an only child, isn't it"

Before he could answer she kissed them both on the cheek and skipped out the door.

"Do you like her?" Sirius asked Remus after Tonks had left and they had walked into the sitting room. Remus began to wind the grandfather clock that he had fixed the previous summer when Molly Weasely was attempting to clean the filth of Grimmauld Place.

"Of course I do" Remus replied. "It's better to have a partner on these assignments than to go on them alone. And she's a great Auror."

"I meant do you like her romantically?

Remus turned and looked at Sirius as if he had gone insane, "No! Why would you even think that?"

"Because she's young and beautiful and she is so obviously taken with you." Sirius answered in an accusatory tone.

"Yes, I agree she is beautiful but the operative word is young. She is young! As for the other thing…." Remus threw up his hands as if he were at a loss to explain. "You remember how it was, Sirius. The adventure and excitement of being in the Order is an aphrodisiac at that age. Even you and I couldn't resist it as hard as we tried. If I wasn't here, she'd turn on to someone else."

"So what's your aphrodisiac? Is it being admired by such a young, beautiful woman?"

"Well, it's certainly not you when you're like this! First you're all upset about Snape knowing about us and now you accuse me of fancying Tonks," he shouted. "This is torture for me, don't you know that? You think that you're the only one suffering because of having to stay here, but did you ever think of what it's like for me to be constantly distrusted by you?"Remus turned away and stared out the window, fuming silently. Sirius watched him and wondered if this was the end, if he had ruined the relationship they had worked so hard to build.

"My aphrodisiac," Remus began softly, "is knowing that when it is over we can be together, in the open, no lies, no deceit, no secrets. I love you. Not just because we share history and tragedy or because we have really great sex, but because you are in my soul. Having you and being with you this past year has been more than I ever hoped for. Even this dreary house is beautiful to me because you are in it. And if you were to go back to Azkaban, I would go with you because, being without you would be worse than any prison. I could never feel trapped with you beside me. Your love frees me from myself. It is nearly everything that I've ever wanted."

He turned from the window to face Sirius and continued. "I say 'nearly' because there is one more thing I want: a child. I always have. Having grown up poor, I was taught at an early age not to desire what I couldn't possibly have. But being with you after we've been through so much has made me realize that maybe anything is possible. I know being with you means I will never have biological children, and I know Harry is nearly sixteen and he is yours, but since you are mine then maybe he can be mine, too. He can be our child. That is my aphrodisiac: the day when you, Harry and I are a real family."

Sirius walked over to where he was by the window, touch by Remus' declaration of love. So strong was what they had between them, he realized now, that nothing could break it. Not Snape, nor Tonks, nor the ghosts of Grimmauld place. Once again he had no words to answer Remus, so instead heI took him in my arms and embraced him.

_Thank you ShinyObjects and Malianani for the reviews. Thank you Quinn Goblin for the Favorite Author designation!_


	14. The Last Act of Love

_I just borrowed these characters and now I am giving them back._

**14. The Last Act of Love**

It seemed to Sirius that they had never before shared a kiss such as this one. It wasn't a secret, furtive kiss like the many that had passed between them in the early days, nor was it the passionate kiss that preceded and accompanied sex. It was a solid kiss. The kiss that spoke of commitment and the togetherness that lasts forever. They made love that night in the sitting room. Beneath the tapestry of the Black family tree they consummated their love and their plan for a life together. Looking up at all of the names of his ancestors as they swooped along the embroidered branches of the family tree, Sirius noticed for the first time that this hallmark of Grimmauld Place was not sinister but breathtakingly beautiful. He was a part of that tree, after all, and the rot that wore through some of it's branches did not have to touch him. He had the power to strengthen it and let it reach ever higher towards the sunlight with Remus and Harry as his family. He felt his body melt into Remus' as they moved closer and closer to that moment of pure, sensual ecstacy.

"Accio blanket," Remus called out as they lay naked and spent on the floor. An old quilt flew into the room, covering their entwined limbs. They lay together quietly, catching their breaths and listening to the reliable pendulum of the grandfather clock moving back and forth.

"Perhaps I have spent too much time mourning James and not appreciating all he has given to me," Sirius said finally "I lost my best friend and I've spent years blaming myself for his death. But James loved me. He would not want me to have years spent in misery. I believe now that it was he who brought us together again through Harry in the Shrieking Shack just two years ago, the same place where we spend such good times together as boys. When he was alive, I always felt that James and I had a connection and it is that same connection now linking me to you and to Harry. For so long I felt that I had betrayed both Harry and James by suggesting that Wormtail be the Secret Keeper, but now I see it differently. I see that Harry is James' gift to us for our enduring friendship with him. James made it possible for us to be together now and to love one another as much as he loved Lily. Our love for one another came about so unexpectedly. What are the chances this would have happened without some other-worldly intervention?"

"Like a ghost?" Remus asked, skeptically.

"More like spirits of the dead. A spirit that watches over us and through their love they guide us in making the right decisions."

"An interesting theory," Remus acknowledged, shifting in Sirius' arms to get closer. "I promise when I die, I will watch over you from the great beyond."

"And I will do the same, because I know I will still love you even then."

The next few days went along blissfully and Sirius no longer felt that Grimmauld Place was a prison. Remus had been right: as long as they were together any place could be happy. "When everything is over and we no longer have to worry about the Dark Lord or the Ministry of Magic hunting me down," Sirius began his inqiry. they were sitting together in the music room, listening to the piano play a sonata. "What would you think about living here permanantly?"

"You mean stay at Grimmauld Place?" Remus asked incredulously, "I thought you hated this place."

"I do, or rather I did. I hated what it stands for and how I felt I could never fit in with my parents world. But now I've come to realize that with you, I can erase all the evil that lives here and replace it with something beautiful. Besides, there's plenty of room for Harry to stay whenever he wants. And someday, perhaps, he will have his own family and... well, I'm thinking ahead. I just like the idea of you and I working together, fixing the place up, making it something that we can be proud of for future generations."

Remus bent over and kissed him. "I think it's a wonderful idea. And I have another idea: we should tell Tonks about us."

"Why?" Sirius asked sitting up straighter. He hadn't thought of Tonks for days, not since he had accused Remus of fancying her and at the sound of her name, the old feelings of desire and jealously began to invade him like an unwanted illness.

"Because," Remus began, running his hands along Sirius' shoulders. "She is also a part of our family. I think she should know that. We both love and admire her and if she does have feelings...well, like you said the other night about her feeling a certain way about me, she needs to know in no uncertain terms that those feelings will never be reciprocated. I love you and there has never been, will never be, anyone else."

Sirius knew it was time to let go, to release those unrealistic hopes and fantasies, and to embrace the new life he had found for himself. Tonk could still be a part of their lives, but in the way she was meant to be: as a cousin and a friend. "Yes," Sirius said, reaching up towards Remus face. "It is time for her to know."

In bed that night Sirius once again felt himself moving beyond the chains of the past. He felt finally free from the confusion his feelings for Tonks had weighed upon him. He had felt at times guilty for betraying Remus' trust and at other times jealous that she prefered Remus. All that was gone now as he gave himself to Remus fully, enjoying the feel of Remus' body and the rapid beating of his heart.

* * *

It was days before they saw Tonks and when they did she burst into Grimmauld Place looking uncharacteristically distracted. "Tonks!" Sirius said in greeting. "I'm so glad you're here! There's something I need to..."

"I'm sorry, Sirius," Tonks cut across. "But I need to speak with Remus right away. I'm here on urgent business for the Order." Her hair was as dark as his and held back from her face with a hair clip, making their family resemblance even more pronounced.

"What is it?" Remus asked, entering the room with a concerned look on his face.

"Remus," Tonks said, turning away from Sirius. "It's Harry. He's gone to the Department of Mysteries. We got word that he believes that Sirius is there and has gone to save him."

"Me?" Sirius questioned with surprise. "Why would he think I was there?"

"It's obviously a trick to get the prophecy. The Dark Lord is playing with his mind, so we must go there immediately. Quick, Remus!"

"I'm coming, too." Sirius told them, firmly and calmly.

"No, Sirius you must wait here and ..."

"And what? Tonks, you more than anyone should know that I can't do that. Harry needs me. He needs to see that I'm alright and I need to do anything I can to save my godson."

Tonks turned to Remus, silently asking for him to intervene, but Remus did not. Instead he nodded at Sirius. "Let's go," he said. "All of us."

"Will it be okay?" Tonks asked Remus.

"Yes," Remus told her. "Everything will be fine." He reached for Sirius' hand and squeezed it, but Tonks had already turned toward the door and missed the gesture.

They arrived at the Department of Mysteries at the same time as the other Order members and the battle between the Death Eaters and the students was already underway. Sirius, Remus, and Tonks rushed in, deflecting hexes and calling out curses. Even though it had been years since he had dueled and he no longer had his old wand, Sirius was still as skillful as ever. He felt almost elated in the midst of confusion and distruction. He felt purposeful. He was with those he loved most, protecting Harry as he had promised James long ago. Sirius felt the pain of those twelve long years in Azkaban and the last two years he had spent in hiding melt away because now he was in the perfect moment where love and his life's mission met. It was as invigorating as sex: to be needed and to give to those he cared about most of all. This too was an act of love. He felt invincible.

And then he saw Tonks fall.

Sirius looked from his cousin's immobile figure to the woman with whom she had been dueling. At the same moment he and Bellatrix suddenly noticed each other's presence and he saw the sadistic delight in her eyes as she cast her next curse towards him . To him, she embodied the evils of the Black family, the very things that he had vowed to overcome through his love for Remus and their plan to be a family with Harry. He directed his curse towards her and all she stood for. She smiled as she dodged it. Her expression mocked him. "Missed again!" he imagined her thinking.

"Is that he best you can do?" He taunted her next shot barely missed him. He knew her weaknesses and Bellatrix hated to lose. He wondered if she even realized that Tonks was her niece. They looked so much alike with Tonks hair as it was that day, dark and flowing against the marble steps. He heard Bella's laughter and saw she was getting ready to fire at him again. He just didn't expect that it would hit him.

And when it did, everything immediately changed. It was as if time remained still, yet he was free from its grasp. He thought for a moment that time would now begin to move backward and the events of those fateful seconds could be erased. He would move more quickly this time and strike Bellatrix before she got him. He would live and she would....but, as he looked down at his chest to where the curse had hit him, he realized that there was no turning back.

The voices behind the veil began to call his name, but he was not ready. He looked at all the people in the room with him and for the first time he could see into their hearts. He saw their pain, their joys, the loves they had, and those that they had lost. He focused first on Tonks, who still lay crumpled upon the stairs. He could see how much she loved Remus and how it pained her that Remus did not seem to notice her. He then turned to look at Remus, whose heart he knew almost as well as his own. He could see how full of love Remus was and knew how hurt Remus would be now that he was gone. He saw Remus' deep desire for a child: a desire he only recently had expressed to Sirius.

Sirius felt a stange power within himself and he knew suddenly that he could grant the wishes of both Remus and Tonks. He smiled at them both, knowing that his love for both of them was stronger than the curse that had taken his life. With his last breath, he breathed a new life into both of them. They would be well, he knew now. They would be happy.

Harry. He wanted to give something to Harry too, so he would know that Sirius would always be with him. He saw the pain within Harry as Harry realized what had happened. But before he could breathe a bright future for his godson as he had for his lover, the veil opened and he saw the figures that had been waiting behind it.

He saw his parents and felt their regret that they had never reconciled with their son before they had died. Sirius silently forgave them. He then saw Regulus and learned what his brother had done in an effort to stop Voldemort. He admired that act of solitary bravery and remembered how much he missed being with his brother.

Then he saw James. Lily stood behind him looking more beautiful than ever. She smiled at him and James reached out his hand. It was time to go. Sirius reached towards the veil, took James' hand and walked in to join them.

_A/N: Ashes of the Phoenix, The Secret Keepers, The Prisoner of Memory, and A Goblet of Blood are a quartet of stories that connect with each other, exploring the love between Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. All four stories are interwoven, scenes from one story appear in another, and the characters remain consistant. If you want to know what happens to Remus after Sirius' death, it picks up in The Secret Keepers in a chapter entitled "Vigil."_

_Thank you so much for reading this. It is reader like you who keep writers going. A special thanks to those who took the time to write reviews. I've appreciated them tremendously. I continue to check for reviews of all my stories and I will write back if you like. _

_Peace._

_- SomethingBorrowed._


End file.
